Cumbria Bound

Today I read an article on MSN World that made me think about funeral practises.
The Chinese government have decided to clamp down on the tradition of having strippers at funerals.
Yep, you read that correctly. Strippers!! For the Chinese, the more people you have at the funeral the more the dead person is honoured. The strippers are used in rural areas to ‘allure viewers’.

For me, the first death that had any impact was that of my Nan. My sister and I were brought up with the Grandparents so this was a real blow. But I also found great humour in it.
My Grandfather wanted her body home and a space was cleared in the Dining Room for the coffin. The family sombrely collected at the front door and waited as the undertakers brought her up the path.
Then my uncle looked at me and whispered,
“Do you know what? She’d kill him for bringing a corpse in the house”.
Since then I have never been able to take it seriously.
My Grandfather’s was no better. I decided to get really stoned (lessens the impact of ATM on my Chi) before going and viewing his body. My Mum was already in the room. I looked down into the coffin and at his face, to discover they had overdone the mouth packing. In death, my Granddad looked like Marlon Brando as the Godfather.
Mum, then lifted his arm and said,
“Feel him”..
In my head I was screaming, “Fucking feel him? Are you mental?”.
His arm was flopping about and all I had in my head was the scene from “A weekend at Bernie’s”, where they attach his arm to a pulley system.

The Irish seem to have a very healthy attitude about death and funerals.
One of my favourite moments was being overtaken by a hearse on the N17 near Tuum! We were doing 80mph and this thing shot past! All the flowers were in the back and we caught a glimpse of the word “Nanna” done in red roses.
On Radio Mayo, just after the Angelus (’and the Angel declared unto Mary…’ blah blah blah) they have what I call ‘Death Watch’. Someone with a real strong accent reads out a list of the people who have died in the county, or those who have died in Dublin and are been brought back ’down country’ Probably at 90mph! Cracking! They even say things like,
“You can view the body at St Columba’s until Wednesday”, but in that cheesy radio, “sale ends soon, everything must go”, voice.

I don’t know why I’m thinking of funerals. Subconsciously, it might have something to do with a long drive in a camper van this evening.
When we took delivery of the van last Sunday it looked like a palace. I swear I could hear the ‘Duff Man’ music as it came up the road. The nearer we get to the departure time the more it looks like a death trap.
I’m also stressing as to what to pack. Schnee’s friend furnished me with a great check list but I’m still stressing.
I have a litre and a half of the finest Waitrose vodka, my ipod and charger (15 hour battery? MY ARSE) 200 hundred ciggies, rizlas, ‘herbals’, my camera and flip flops. The flip flops are because I have a morbid fear of Verruca’s. It’s a start. Seven years ago, three of us watched the total eclipse in France with only a tent, sleeping bags and a bottle opener. This should be a piece of piss by comparison!

The van is loaded and ready to go. I remembered toilet roll at the last minute, how that could have slipped my mind is beyond me!

We are aiming for Nottingham tonight. Wish us luck.

Just for the record, if we happen to die in the ‘Shed on Wheels’ I would like Donnie Elbert’s version of ‘I can’t help myself’ played at my funeral. I don’t want to be on display in any dining room, unless the coffin is up on bricks! If there is a possibility of an open casket, I would like my face painted as a cat by one of the people who do school fetes.

Well, we are off.. That’s the last post for a few days..

For those of you who have a Bank Holiday weekend, Enjoy!
For those of you who don't, in the words of Chris....

Get your grin on!!