Friday, February 27, 2009


I'm off to Wiltshire for the weekend.
So I'll be missing from here for a couple of days.
A sacrifice I have to make to spend time with my beloved Hounds.
Ho Hum.

Those of you who do, please pray for my soul and sanity as I battle with the Cardiff Central train.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, February 26, 2009


When did Margaret Thatcher get rehabilitated?
So much so we now have fucking BBC programmes about her?
As Education Secretary she took my free milk from me.
After she broke the miners, teachers were the next bunch she came for.
She’s a fucking monster.
Just because she’s lost her faculties now, doesn't mean everything she did is suddenly brought under that ‘Oh she’s only nuts’ umbrella.
Stop it!
My man Frankie Boyle gets it!
‘For three million…..’

Is it just me who has the walnut sized ‘After Bladder’?
A bladder that kicks in after you’ve had a wee, thought yourself empty and is only activated by the taps when you try to wash your hands?
Those of you who have performed the ‘miracle’ of childbirth need not answer this question.
I’ve fallen for that one before and been sucked into a nightmare world of stories involving 14 day labour, pelvic floor exercises, Haemorrhoids and pissing when you sneeze.
From nappies and Tena lady.
It’s not such a great leap!

RIP Wendy Richard.
You were on TV only slightly longer than I’ve been alive, fair play to you.

Just to end, a bit of gratuitous Frankie!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A Good Day

Away in the ‘Wesht’ of Ireland the Nutty Daddy has been home for a few days, re-medicated and slightly less of a handful for the Sainted Mammy.
There seems to be no reason for, or damage from the seizures but he frightened the shite out of all concerned.
I once worked in a care home for Alzheimer’s patients and know it can get very grim in the latter stages.
As wicked as it is to say, I sometimes wish one of the fits had carried him off.
The Karmic repercussions of that are going to be epic, I know.
I wonder if the Cameron’s ever had similar thoughts.

Just because this prick is British why do we have to have him back?
Isn’t The Vatican a Sovereign State? Why can’t he go there?
His Nazi-ness was the one who ‘rehabilitated’ the idiot, so he should fucking deal with him.
I was contemplating giving up ‘Pope Bashing’ for Lent but you’ve got to set yourself some sort of achievable goal!
Also, this is one of those times of year when he does come out with some utter bollocks and I’m not missing that.

I’m too ashamed to tell you how many hours of my day I have wasted looking for this particular version of this song.
To say I became a little obsessed would be beyond understatement.
I even contacted the Big little Brother and got the might of his employer on it!
It reminds me of Ex Bro in Law J and the laughs we used to have when he was still with my sister.
Nights getting totally wrecked and playing cards.
Good times that were a lifetime ago now.

This evenings Grand Designs totally and utterly appealed to me for the first time!
Love the whole idea of it.
Not the living in France bit though, a bit too overrun with the French for my liking I’m afraid.

Chatted with my re-discovered friend this evening.
The one found with the help of Facebook.
Amazingly, we just seemed to pick up where we left off!
Blinding! Can’t wait to get together!

Tuesday 24th February

Amazingly, not a single cold caller has rung today.
The only one was a scaremongering fucker from the insurance company with tales of denied direct debits.
Even that turned out to be a load of bollocks.

Started a load of Chilli, Basil and Tomato seeds today.
The weed situation is still fucking dire.
I'm almost tempted with the shitty, plastic filled solids that are about.
I've planted weed seeds instead.

Tonight's best Shameless line is again from Frank.
"Look at Geldof, shit songs but it got the kiddies fed."

Monday, February 23, 2009

Extraordinary Annoyance

Other than the general annoyance of cold calling, what really fucks me off is when they ask for MR Sleepy, MR Tame Pharmacist or MR Housemate Claire.
If you are going to phone our home at least have the good manners to get the name correct.
I don’t know why it gets on my tits but it just does.
After the 3rd call asking for Mr Sleepy I went for it.
“Are you fucking people SO fucking retarded you can’t read a simple Mr, Mrs or Miss? Is English even your first fucking language…?”
I took a breath to continue with my rant and the bastard hung up on me!
Phoned ME and had the cheek to hang up on ME!

Am I the only one who thinks that ‘Extraordinary Rendition’ sounds like something a really good plasterer would do for you?

Is ‘Pikey Blonde’ a specific colour certain women put on their hair?
There was a lot of it about today.

Does this bloke qualify for the ‘..some kind of cunt’ award or what?

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Sunday 22nd February

Housemate Claire and I, having known each other since we were eight, were discussing shit from our childhood.
Something that has come out now but was never discussed at the time was how thick we perceived certain people to be.
How in some classes we were practically used as Teaching Assistants by the ‘Teachers’.
My first week of school was spent listening to classmates struggle through the ‘one word a page’ books while they tried to find something ‘harder’ for me.
I was four.
Then we laughed about the occasion I was arrested for breaking in to our local library!
I wasn’t alone but the others had gone in with the idea that fines money would be enough for some smokes.
I went in with one objective and one objective only.
The books the officious fucking woman wouldn’t let me take out.
The reference books.
I left with copies of encyclopaedias and a load of books on forensic medicine she wouldn’t even let me read while I was in there legitimately.
Fucking bitch!

This article is the reason for our discussions.
Sadly, we watch University Challenge for that very thing, the challenge.
We piss all over the other so called Quizzes.
I’d love to get a Pub Quiz side together and enter as “The University of Life”.
Sleepy Mansions loves Gail Trimble.
You’re alright by us mate.

Have you ever had the moment late at night when you are checking and locking the backdoor and you suddenly think,
“What if ‘they’ are already in?”
Shit myself right up with that one last night.

Being Human just gets better!
I'd love to say more but I know Schnee will get it on BBC Canada at some point and I really don't want to spoil it for her.
It's making Sunday feel less like a 'Homework' night and more like a "Denny Crane" night!

Saturday, Skittles And Vodka

This is what happens when a Stoner and a Scientist get together on a Saturday.
You just know we were the kids who used our Mum's best kitchenware to make mud pies don't you?

Stick it in the freezer for a couple of hours and wait for the yumminess!
How long you leave the Skittles in the Vodka will depend on how sweet and syrupy it gets.
Crisp-e went for colour and taste.
I'd let the let the lot dissolve! I like the idea of being pissed while having a sugar rush!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Remember Man...


I remembered Crombie coats for the first time in years!
The red hanky took me right back.
I think it’s because John the ipod shuffled it to some Specials and while doing the laundry I found my black ‘Lambretta’ shirt.

I remembered when I was small and thought I was born to be a ‘Pip’, one of Miss Knight’s of course!

I’ve also remembered some bloke called Bernie Flint who won a programme called Opportunity Knocks.

I remembered that QI was on and saved myself the minefield that is BBC iplayer when I get hold of it.

I remembered that when Housemate Pat is here all I seem to vacuum up is rice.
Rice and black hair that isn’t the cats.
Fucking rice!
I don’t even like the stuff.
I won’t even cook the fucking shit!

I must remember to uck out the Cardamom pods before putting in the peas.
I found three and ate three.

Today I also discovered the purpose of Facebook.
Using somebody else’s account (I REFUSE to join up) I found someone who dropped off my radar about 12 years ago.
I couldn't be more delighted and can't wait to get 'remembering'!

Thursday, February 19, 2009


I had lunch with Mr & Mrs Crisp-e today.
He was dropping off some MORE of his photos to ANOTHER gallery!
They are brilliant.
He’ll have to show them to you himself, but trust me, they are good.
The owner was really in to them which I always think is a good sign.
They should know what will and won’t sell.
Had a lovely lunch.
Thanks you two.

The ‘..afflicted with the thorn of same sex attraction’, has given me a great laugh.
I feel far from afflicted.
Affliction (Noun) A condition of pain, suffering or distress.
My ‘thorn’ has caused me none of these conditions but the Catholic Church has.
Its nuns, priests and followers have done all of the above and WAY more!
But the absolute wetter in this article has got to be,
“For example, many men with same sex attraction lack hand-eye coordination….”
Where the fuck did they get that from?!
Of course let’s not forget those priest and monk sports teams we all know so well!

You can’t ban one lot that spout homophobic hatred and then let another lot in.
Snubbed? Snubbed?
Fuck you, you prick. I didn’t want you here in the first place.
‘No travel plans..’
Why is that?
Tried to come during the 1940’s and found the welcome frosty?
Might have been the ‘clothes’ you wore in those days, a nice white frock is less threatening and dare I say it, less butch.

Yeah good plan, let’s print some more money!
It worked SO well in Weimar Germany. This fucker was probably on his way out for a loaf of bread!

Anybody who knows me even vaguely will tell you I have been arguing most of this, ALL MY FUCKING LIFE!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Nausea Day

Today I have had an epic hangover.
I don’t know how I managed it but I felt starving hungry and nauseous at the same time.
Worse than these contradictory gastrointestinal signals I craved a MacDonald’s burger and fries.
How nasty is that?
Just to top it off, Housemate Pat arrived home and started rustling up whatever complete nastiness it is she insists on cooking.
A stir fry of Crab Arseholes with a Rodent Reduction on a bed of Cat Fur Balls.

What I don’t understand about this, is WHY he can go to the European Court?
He’s a Jordanian national.
I know the map of the world changes frequently and I still haven’t got my head round what countries the USSR split in to; but I don’t ever remember Jordan being part of Europe.
How can he claim he won’t get a fair trial in Jordan? Don’t they run on Sharia or some sort of Islamic law? The kind of law he likes?
You can’t sit and preach hatred toward people and their ways then turn to them for protection, while STILL spitting bile about them!
Ironically he was granted asylum in the UK on the grounds of Religious Persecution.
I think it has more to do with Jordan having the death penalty and this man being a coward.

This lot in Basingstoke! Haha!
At least the good people there will know that G-d hates cigarettes and possibly smokers!
In fact, their G-d seems to hate everybody except them.

SIR Terry Pratchett! How good does that sound?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


We saw Smudger off today.
I think it was a good send off.
The people who meant something were there.
The Head wasn’t.
The person I assumed was there ‘representing’ him had not a stitch of black anywhere near her, had on half a pair of trousers and looked like she was ‘sparing’ us an hour from a busy shopping schedule.
His son and I were very close but had lost contact a year or so ago.
He has had some sort of mental breakdown, nothing to do with his Dad’s death, but a break from ‘reality’ nonetheless.
I was keeping it together until I saw Smudge Jr.
Then I filled up, but there were too many there I didn’t want to lose it in front of.
I kept it in, then cried all the way home in the car.

Rest easy Smudge.

Sunday, February 15, 2009


‘Six expletives a week’? Don’t make me laugh!
My Dad would double that number getting out of bed and to the bathroom door!

“Jesus fucking Christ Joon.
Fucking knees.
Did you hear my fucking knees?”

The bedroom door would then open.

“Oi! You fuckers!”

Meaning us, his kids.

“I don’t hobble to work on THESE fucking knees so you bastards can lay in bed!”

The floorboard outside the bathroom door would creak.

“UP! UP, you cunts! Get to school! LEARN! Get proper fucking jobs, INDOOR jobs! So you don’t end up with fucking knees like your twat of a father!”

The bathroom door would slam.
Water would be run in the sink. Within 2 to 5 minutes the door would open and the roar would be,

“Which one of you fucking bitches has been shaving their fucking legs with MY fucking razor?”

The Tame Pharmacist’s Dad deliberately swore in front of his daughters, his reasoning being that they “Wouldn’t be offended when they went out in to the world and heard it”.
I love that one!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Little Things

Today it’s the little things that are getting to me.
Like, why am I the only one who refills the pepper grinder?
Where has all the weed gone and why can the kids at Mayhem get hold of it but not me?
How does Housemate Pat manage to burn and break so much stuff?
Why does she think that fucking off for a month means she doesn’t have to pay rent?
How can I put my back out sneezing?
How the fuck can this get past us without a fucking murmur?
What happened to ‘I disapprove of what you say, but will defend to the death your right to say it’?
Why after seeing the total horror of the Australian fires did I only cry when I saw Sam the Koala?
I looked for my Golliwog badge and wondered if I’d be arrested for wearing it.
Then I considered if I had committed a ‘Thought Crime’ in remembering I had one somewhere.
What the fuck is going on?

On a totally different note.
I am part of the Aliens Road deputation that has been invited to the Colas offices about our trees tomorrow.
I don’t hold out much hope of us saving them but at least we can have a say in what replaces them.
They can piss off with their Tibetan and Chinese what-nots; I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have a native tree.
I hope the idiot from the council is there. Foul, greasy little man.
I had to hold my tongue at the ‘Neighbourhood Forum’ meeting as flipping out and swearing would have weakened our case.
Tomorrow I’m going to call him a cunt to his face and I’m really looking forward to it!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


... It has been a while.
The Nutty Daddy away in The Wesht of Ireland is not good.
He as started having seizures and was whisked away to hospital on Sunday.

My research and reading suggests we are probably in to the the last stages of the illness.
I never know whether to call it an 'illness' or a 'disease'.
Or is it just 'Old Age'?


I'm frightened for my head!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Some Photos Of The Last Couple Of Days

Chichester Cathedral on Sunday night.

This is what it looked like at 2.40 Monday morning.

The back garden later on that day.
Murphy The Murderous Feline was less than impressed with how this white shit felt on his feet.

The label says this plant is a native of Tenerife, so I doubt it's liking this weather either.

Today we only had a couple of flurries and a bit of sleet.
Apparently Thursday it is going to hit us bad.
We'll see.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Sunday 1st February

Having a head full of snot has blocked up my ears and fucked up my balance.
I got out of bed this morning, Yes! I slept, and fell all over the place.
This cold is savage.
My bone marrow aches and my hair is tender.
To top it off my back hurts and I can’t work out why.

Filled with Contac 400, Temazepam, Lemsip, Cannabis and Espresso I went to Crisp-e’s exhibition.
As expected, we lowered the average age by 40 years just by stepping through the door.
We were immediately offered a choice of drinks by an ‘old’ person who would have declared us, ‘Scum’, if we had met on the street!
Of course we dived in, it would have been churlish not to.
Now for the HUGE news!
Crisp-e got TWO highly commended’s!
One official and one unofficial.
This got the official “Highly Commended”, had a little label and everything.
I wanted to get a photo of it to show you but do you think I could get the fucking coffin dodgers out of the way?
Could I buggery!
Crisp-e found out that the judge wanted to give this one the same, but wasn’t allowed because they had to come from 7 different artists.
If you are nearby, or fancy a train ride, check out The Oxmarket Gallery in Chichester.

On the train back we sat in the First Class bit, just because we knew it was only four stops and nobody would check.
It was here that I produced the bottle of Champagne and plastic cups from my bag!
It was long gone before we hit our stop!

A cracking night. Wish I hadn’t felt so under the weather.
Thanks to Crisp-e being brave and putting his stuff out there, we now know what kind of bollocks judges are looking for.
We both have had an insight in to how to ‘play the game’ when it comes to this kind of money winning competition.
We will earn next time!