Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Weekend Starts Here

Guess what?
I only fixed the fucking hoover!
I use the term ‘fixed’ in its loosest possible sense.
After having a bit of a spaz at the ‘crunchy’ nature of the carpet, I took the bastard thing apart.
Totally stripped it down. Took out bits that came out, forced out the bits that didn’t.
Then put it back together again, with nothing left over!
I gingerly plugged it in and fired it up and bugger me, it sucks like Gillian Taylforth now.

It’s no secret that I think Stephen Fry should be Prime Minister.
After this week’s Desert Island Discs, Miriam Margoyles has GOT to be in the Cabinet.
I’ve loved her for ages but I love her more now!

It’s Rosh Hashanah and I’m off to Wiltshire to celebrate the New Year with the Hounds!
A time to reflect, slough off all the old hurts, hates and general shite we’ve accrued this past year.
At some point this afternoon/evening I will be stood in the River Avon emptying all the fluff and crap from my pockets.
Once I’ve got the feeling back in my feet I’ll munch some apples and honey.
I should also be considering:
- What’s the most meaningful thing in my life?
- Who in my life means the most to me? How often do I let them know this?
- What have I achieved this past year?
- What do I want to achieve next year and in life in general?

What will actually happen is I will be curled up with the Hounds considering just how bloody gorgeous they are.

Shana Tova people.
“May you be inscribed and sealed for good”

Monday, September 29, 2008

Car, Chutney And Soup

This was parked across the road yesterday morning.
It took every ounce of self control not to roll myself all over it.
I think this and a few models of Jaguar are THE sexiest things in the world.
Look at the lines of it, all round and soft. It’s a work of art.

Due to the ‘infestation’ of tomato plants at Sleepy Mansions and less sunlight, we now have a glut of green tomatoes.
I wanted something else to do with them other than the ubiquitous ‘Green Tomato Chutney’.

So I got experimenting and have come up with a green tomato soup.
Amazingly, it tastes bloody nice!.
I even got it together enough to write down the recipe


Yesterday was spent at my Dad’s.
A cracker.
I have laughed so much my ribs hurt today.
There is something totally different about laughing with family.

He is in dispute with a couple of his neighbours.
They don’t actually know they are on his shit list, but they will.
The man who sets smelly fires at odd times of the day is first.
Pa has acquired a high powered hose that would make the fire brigade envious.
He is waiting on the attachment that will connect it to the hydrant in the street.
Then Mr Fire Starter will experience a deluge of biblical proportions!
I love my Dad!

It reminded me of Sunday ‘Access’ visits all those years ago.
Five kids, a collie in the back of a Reliant Robin van thing at Singleton Open Air Museum!
We always went to Singleton, like observing Wattle and Daub and Tudor houses where they slung shit out the windows would bring us together as a family.
My sister would always appear with a towel over her head, so her ‘mates’ didn’t see her getting in the car!
The handbrake failing in Arundel and chasing the car down the main street with Dad shouting,
“You older kids, throw yourself in front of it you fuckers! Slow it down.”
A great memory!
Waiting in the queue to pay to get in the castle.
Dad being told the price by the terminally middle class lady, turning and saying,
“Kids. Out. 49 quid? Arse rape! Back to the Plastic Pig (The affectionate name he’d given the van!)

When ATM decided I was ‘Uncontrollable’ she sent me to live with Dad.
The last thing I thought about was how he was going to get me to school.
The Plastic Pig!
Laughing like a man demented, he used to speed up the drive and ‘handbrake’ turn that fucker to deliver me back to the front entrance of the school.
The entrance NOBODY was allowed to use.
Other kids were dropped off in Jags, Daimlers and Rollers…
He’d tell teachers to ‘Fuck off’ as they tried to remonstrate, chuck me 10 John Player Special and say,
‘Learn hard today mate and remember most of them are cunts. Love you’.
Then he’d rev the Plastic Pig until it spat out black clouds of exhaust, and screech away.
Happy days!

Saturday, September 27, 2008


Check it out!
The new frog has really settled well.
I have named her ‘Shirley’.
It seemed like the ideal name to go with the resident, ‘Annie’!
I’m undecided as to the name of the toad.
In the running we have: Dimitar, Ruth and Derek.

Today I rode the ‘Loser Cruiser’ round to Crisp-e’s.
It wasn’t the chav filled horror it usually is and the diazepam helped me understand the Polish bus driver.
Perhaps they made ME more understandable to him!
I don’t like venturing out too much but always have such a laugh with Crisp-e the ‘public’ interaction is worth it.
He’s good for my soul and stops me taking myself too seriously.
Hopefully I do something similar for him.
I remember my Grandfather telling me a long time ago, probably when I was prattling on about all my ‘friends’ at school; that if I ended up with five good friends I should count myself very lucky indeed.
Twenty Five years later, I get it.
Some are a 'plane ride, some a bus ride and some a stone's throw but I totally get it.

I’m loving this idea!
Years ago I lived in a student house where we made a floor to ceiling ‘throne’ from empty beer and cider cans.
I wish I’d had a camera then, instead of spending my money on beer and cider!
It lasted 2 years before it collapsed under the weight of a couple attempting to have sex in it.
There is a woman somewhere in the world with Bulmer’s imprinted on/into her arse and I have a fear of ‘widgets’ that will last a lifetime.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Exotics And Strange Fruit

Waitrose online has a section in the veg section called ‘exotics’.
I don’t think this is what they had in mind!

Although, it does give Schnee a chance to have a good look at the difference between the frog and the toad!

These were liberated from Sassy's yesterday. Since her major garden overhaul, the habitat has altered drastically so they were transferred to my ‘Bucket’ pond!
I’d like to think we’ve done a good thing but I’m sure they have probably dragged themselves the nine doors back to hers!

Then sometimes you just have to look at the sky and think,
“Are you taking the piss?”

This is the third one that has grown like this.
I do appreciate a sense of irony in my supreme being, but I got it the first time!

The Tudors. At long frigging last they've topped Anne! Although I can't get my head around why anyone would want to be stood at the front.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Frood Dude!

I had a text message from Cousin Adam at 3.25am telling me he had just been released from the local A&E after a head on car crash.
Those of you who know and know of Adam, my reaction was exactly the same as yours.
Oh Fuck! What has he done this time?
Amazingly, it wasn’t his fault.
The other driver was drunk and he died.
He is so very, very down and I am frightened for him but can’t have him here.
As much as I want to.
I’ve tried before but his ‘light fingered’ ways are not fair on the Housemates.

This afternoon Sassy and I went adventuring along Rue Albert.
Both of us were disturbed by the receptionist in ‘The Cat Clinic’ calling Sassy ‘My Dear’.
It would have been fine if she weren’t a South African with a serious case of Herpes Simplex!
We did discover that a Polish eatery has opened up!
Mmmmm, Pirogi’s. Yummers!
We thought a coffee in the CafĂ© ‘Distress’ would be a good plan.
You know? Just a coffee.
Two Cappuccinos, two espressos, two lemon vodkas and ‘several+’ beers later we wandered home for some Chablis.
The Tame Pharmacist joined us.

We discussed family and have decided that all our siblings need to sort themselves out.
There has got to come some point, as an adult, that you stop blaming parents/upbringing for your shit.
There has to be some point where you stop saying,
“Oh I get that from Mum/Dad… I take after….. It‘s because this happened…”, and just accept that actually that IS you.
You are an arsehole all on your own, without the benefit of DNA, nature or nurture.
You’ll be surprised how liberating that is.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Frustrated, Idiotic And Dancing

I woke up this morning and the first thought that popped into my mind was,
“It’s been ages since I’ve had an erotic dream”.
How depressing is that?
Even more depressing I can’t remember who the last one involved.
I’m surprised because I’m just shy of female Priapism at the moment, if there is such a thing.
I contemplated self abuse but decided on sublimation instead and went to Mass.
It might have been an idea to save the weed and Diazepam for after because I got the giggles during the responsorial psalm thing.
‘Your word, O Lord, is a lamp for my feet’.
What the fuck does that mean!?
With all the coffin dodgers shouting it at different times it sounded to me like,
‘Oh Lord, a clamp for my meat'.
The Gospel was Luke so I didn’t listen too much and by then I had noticed the Polish lady and her magnificent, peachy arse.
So much for sublimation.

Then I hear about this Catholic school, that won’t allow an injection that protects against cervical cancer to be given on its premises.
The governors seem to believe that it will turn all their girls into sluts.
I went to Catholic boarding school and I can promise you they don’t need a jab!
I’d be interested to know if there are any studies into the incidence of cervical cancer in Nuns.

John the ipod is in a strange shuffle mood, it managed to mix Elgar with The Kings of Leon.
But this has been my choon of the day! I make no apologies, it gets my grin on.
The total tops was this evening while I was cooking, I clocked Mrs Next Door With The Kids, youngest in her arms, bopping around her kitchen to this.
Love it!

The L Word And.....

..... the reality!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Engineers, Pregnancy And Smiles

I was woken AGAIN by the gas man wanting to look at the meter.
Is it me or do they seem to turn up every 2 weeks or so?
If they aren’t waking me up they catch me as I’ve sparked up something herbal.

Yesterday I had to have the telephone bloke out.
The line was dead and nobody had noticed that the thing hadn’t rung for a week.
The engineer was disconcerting.
He kept staring at my chest while talking to me.
This may have happened before and I’ve just never noticed but I noticed yesterday.
I didn’t like it.

Why is the media obsessed with ‘baby bumps’?
Some ‘D Lister’ or D lister’s floozy gets pregnant and we have to be shown pictures of the lump.
We all know what pregnant people look like.
I remember my Grandfather going on about how gorgeous and ‘glowing’ my sister looked while pregnant.
To me, she looked sweaty, red and fat.

I was a bit wicked today and fed caterpillars to the huge Garden Spiders.
I see it as a form of recycling.
Check out my flickr page for the photos!

My Hope! I hope YouTube stays for ever!

There is always time to revisit Lizzy!

New series of the L word tonight, Whoo Hoo!
Not a dry seat in the house!

Check out the bad boy Butternut Squash!
Starting to look the business.


Last evening Sassy came to eat, drink and be merry.
We beat the bollocks off all three and threw in some big giggles into the mix.
Smashing evening!

Apparently Glenn Close has got some sort of award, for something or other.
Stop it.
I will never forgive her for Serving In Silence.
Dear Christ, if there were ever a film to drive someone back in the closet, this is it.
The parts of the movie I wasn’t watching with my hand over my eyes, screaming,
‘Fucking Hell! NO!’
I was watching from behind the sofa, wishing ‘the bad lady’ would stop.

Am I the only one who has a towel or set of towels they won’t use?
This may be part of my ‘Autistic Spectrum’ condition, but it might not, so I’m checking with you lot.
I have a set of towels in my collection that I hate.
They are a bath towel/hand towel combination.
Known in my world as a ‘body towel and hair towel’.
They are very nice, expensive towels, bought for me by an Aunt.
The trouble is with the colour.
They are Grey.
Who the fuck buys towels that look like you’ve had them 20 years to start with?
My fecking family, that’s who!
The same family who would sit in judgement about the colour and age of a person’s towelage.
They were a house-warming present.
The ‘family’ must have ‘phoned ATM and asked one of two questions.

1. What does she need?
2. What does she like?

The reply from my Mother was, obviously, what SHE thought I needed and what SHE thought I liked.
I ended up with an abundance of towels and a million candles and tealights.
Spot on with the ‘controlled’ pyromania, but towels?
She also believes a person ‘can’t have too much Pyrex’ but spared me that.

Does anyone have a set of towels that weren’t bought for them or that THEY bought after, at least, five years of home ownership that they won‘t use?
I’d also put a £5-er on everyone having at least one ‘robbed’ hotel towel.

Sunday, September 21, 2008


The wanderer returns.
I have to start by mentioning the ‘crick’ in my neck.
Strange beds and stranger pillows.
It’s fucking agony.
One of those pains that shoots from the back of my neck and over the top of my head at the slightest movement.
From the moment I opened my eyes this morning and realised getting out of bed was going to be a trial, I had one word bouncing around my head.
Lots of it.
My breakfast was 60mg Temazepam, 600mg Ibuprofen and I considered some Dihydrocodeine but decided to save them!
I need to be able to get in the garden and sort it out!

The garden is mega.
Green tomato chutney is underway and I’m planning what to plant for winter.
The area I spread the spores for a South American psychotropic fungus has fecking sprouted!
It was quickly harvested with the help of Crisp-e.
For some reason it was decided I would be the one to ‘medicine’ myself.
Just to see how much to dose ourselves with and to what effect.
Too late, we realised that this was foolhardy.
Don’t test on someone whose capacity for mind altering drugs is Olympian.
Crisp-e can’t, well; it is a school night after all.
I have contacted the Big little Brother.

I seriously have to get this off my chest.
For a long time I have avoided watching Brokeback Mountain.
Has just never appealed to me in the slightest.
During my ‘walkabout’ I ended up watching it.
Sorry to all those who think this deserved an Oscar but WHAT A LOAD OF SHITE!
I couldn’t understand a word of what Heath Ledger said and spent half the movie asking,
“What the fuck did he say?”
I was so completely underwhelmed I never saw it to the end.
Utter armpit.
G-d I’m glad that’s out.

Friday, September 12, 2008

A Friday

I have Munchies Remorse.
I sat and scoffed a 150g bar of Galaxy last night and feel like a total fat bastard today.

Housemates, tell me, how the fuck does a Vacuum cleaner break itself.
When I used it before I went away, over a week ago, it was fine, now it’s fucked.
The strange thing is the house is a fucking shithole.
NO ONE has used it downstairs because none of you ever fucking do!
The hallway resembles a leafy woodland trail through the New Forest.
SO, how does the hoover break itself?

I was going to the Deli, so to educate/freak her out again I wore my ‘Girls Who Do Girls’ Tee shirt this time.
It was the way she said ‘Juniper seeds?’ with a look of disgust and the expression of, “what they hell do ‘they’ DO with them” that got me giggling.
I love the look on her face and her attempts not to touch me, it’s brilliant.
I’m amused by the idea that I’m infectious.
I can see the headline in the paper, “An outbreak of Dyke at a local Deli!”

As I left I bumped into the octogenarian lesbian who accosted me in Somerfield a few months back.
Do you see why I hate leaving the house? Do you?!
Before I knew it her arm was through mine and she was trundling me along, chatting away.
Resigned to my fate this time, I took her shopping said ‘Going home Miss H?’ and walked her back.
She squeezed and rubbed my bicep the whole way then tapped her cheek for a kiss as I tried to get away.
Apparently, ‘I’m lovely’ and she’s told her ‘friend’ about me.
Eeesh. Kill me.

On the way to my own home I was soaked to the skin by a frigging Monsoon.
Huge sheets of rain from a blue sky.
I decided to cheer myself up with a bit of curry cooking which all went well until I got chilli in my eye.
I forgot to dip my fingers in olive oil before chopping and am really pissed off with myself.
Another three and a half pounds of tomatoes were picked along with half a kilo of beans.
I’m sick of beans.

It’s The Tudors tonight. I hope they get rid of Anne this episode, she started to really get on my tits last week.
Have a good week people.
I’m going on walk-about for a while.
If I have your address, make up the spare room and be worried!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Discontinue And Discontinued

Housemates. We have another ‘plughole hamster’ and all the while my arsehole points downwards I’m not dealing with it.
I have the least amount of hair so feel I don’t really make a huge contribution to its creation.
Also, ‘marigold-ed’ and gagging, I wrangled one out of there the day before yesterday.
Those of you who wear those big clip affairs I your hair, don’t attach them to the fucking shower curtain, you sadist.
Especially if they are fucking black!
You bastards know I spend 99.99999% of my time stoned.
I thought I was in there with a fucking Bird Eating Spider, had an adrenalin rush and smacked my head on the wall.
Although the head on the wall bit did remind me I still had my glasses on.
All in all, a pretty hectic start to the day.

To add to my annoyance the shampoo I use has been discontinued.
Every time this happens to me!
It’s the same with deodorant.
It takes me ages to find one I like the smell of, then about 2 years later they will end the range.
Fucks with my Aspergers head too.
Now I’ve got to find a new shampoo that doesn’t make my hair feel like straw, or give me dandruff, that doesn’t make me smell like my Nan or a treatment for lice, render me blind and especially NOT irritate my skin!
Fuckers! Leave my stuff alone will you!

A year ago today I was in Vancouver, in Havana, celebrating Schnee’s birthday!
Happy Birthday, hope you are having a blinder!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

A Weird One

The day started off with a weird one.
The Sister text me.
Yep, after six years of nothing, I got this:

“Hello S its N. just to tel u that lots of peeps from skool wanna add u on face book. I’ve told em u havnt got one but they keep on! KB, B, LC, C, DS, EP etc also the GS group has a long pic wiv u in it! If u were interstd! Hope u ok, N.”

(Not as strange as ATM, after a three year silence some time back, she ‘phoned and opened with, ‘Hello, it’s your Mother, can you get hold of some speed?’)

My first thought was, ‘there are five reasons I’m glad I’ve never joined that fecking thing right there!’
My next thought was ‘where the fuck did she get my number?’
The answer to that was The Big little brother.
Mr & Mrs Crisp-e came round this afternoon so using his page we had a look.
There is no ‘pic wiv me in it’, that we can find, thank Christ.

I haven’t replied and I’m not sure I’m going to.
It could be viewed as an olive branch, but do I want one?
Do I want to open the door to all that again?
Being around ATM and my sister does not enhance my mental well being in the slightest.
They are fucking nutters, but I miss my nieces and nephew terribly.

This evening, I received an email ‘allegedly’ from someone I had limited contact with through genes reunited.
It went along the lines of ‘Help, I’m stuck in Nigeria with no money. Mail, wire etc me $1000 now please’.
Yeah, right!

This has been my choon of the day!
Gets your grin on!
But why is it when you listen to anything with headphones on, you are suddenly able to feel through your feet?
Try it.
I guarantee you will feel something.
OR it could be the weed.

The End Is Near

“Imagine music so relaxing, so pure…” you’ll want to commit fucking murder!
There you have the K-tel ‘Tranquillity’ collection.
A TEN cd compilation of some of the crappiest music on earth played on obscure instruments.
Insomnia meant I was awake for one of the adverts and they are very wrong if they think it ‘Soothes’.
Chariots of fucking Fire played on empty milk bottles, the bagpipe version of Everything I do, Christ No!
It makes me feel violent, just like ‘relaxation exercises’ do.
I’ve lost count of the number of INSET days, some idiot who had no idea what it was like in a classroom, recommended ‘Calming Music’ and relaxation bollocks as a tool for getting psychopaths to stay in the room.
It drives them mental!
They want Ritalin salt licks, straightjackets and anti-psychotics.

Today I have learned you have got to be brutal in the cull of self seeded tomatoes.
Get ‘em young and uck ‘em out.
If you leave it too late you feel like an abortionist.
Chopping them back while they are flowering is just about bearable but if they have little green tomatoes on, the guilt is horrible.

In preparation for being sucked into a black hole at midday I ’phoned my Dad.
I haven’t seen or spoken to him since May and didn’t relish an eternity stuck with him whining, “You never phoned”.
I used that as my opener.
Luckily, Dad has a sense of humour and we had a good chuckle!
I have drunk the really good wine I got from France, the £20 Chablis!
No way I’m leaving that for the cockroaches and bees.
Cooked my version of Middle Eastern lamb, which has a touch of Eastern Europe about it. (Dill pickles and that’s all I’m saying!)

Go on CERN! Let’s get it on!

Monday, September 08, 2008

Home And Garden

Good news!
Jess is making a storming recovery.
Fortunately, it was caught much earlier than Blue’s and treatment started quickly.

I’ve been watching the Paralympics and have been trying SO hard not to find amusement.
But I have.
I love my football.
Blind Football? WTF!
The goalkeeper is allowed to be sighted, how is that fair?
My amusement came from the commentator who told us about the other teams in the stand who were there watching the opposition.
Well maybe the goalie was.
Proud as punch of this cracker though!
Eleanor Simmonds, what a fucking star!

Back at Sleepy Mansions I found the garden had gone fecking ape shit.
I have picked five and half pounds of tomatoes and am now trawling for recipes.
I’ve made Gazpacho. Sauces tomorrow!
Check out the Urban Squash though!
Who’d have thought you could grow these in Pompey?

I thought I’d encountered every “Don’t get that in a paper cut” substance possible.
Oh No!
There is Tomato Food.
It stings like a complete and utter fucker UNTIL you realise that the burning digit, covered in stuff you are not really sure about the composition of, is in your fucking mouth!
Thank all that is Holy for the constant supply of Vodka.
A wine glass full should dilute it, internally, right?

I have also had four of these fuckers in my face.
I got over that particular phobia while I was sat here typing and one of the bastards appeared at the corner of my vision on my glasses.
I’d been in from the garden two and a half hours.
My ‘specs are still in the fireplace.

Last night, while watching the lovely Joanna Lumley (Leave it! It’s deep and it’s real! I blame The Avengers) on her quest for the Northern Lights, her dogs barked and Blue looked up at the screen.
So, do dogs bark in a ‘language’ or with an ‘accent’?
Did that barking Husky sound like the canine version of the Swedish Chef?
Amazingly, I had been a weed free for a week, so the mad shit was breaking through.
I’m ok now. Getting the THC levels back up!

Friday, September 05, 2008



Jessie seems to have got what Blue had.
She has an appointment at the vets this afternoon.

It's more of a concern with the girl, she's thirteen and not as robust as the boy.
I'm really frightened for her.
Hopefully we've caught it earlier than we did with Blue.

Fingers crossed people, fingers crossed.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Boy Blue

Blue the Hound is much better.
He had Haemorrhagic Gastroenteritis. The vet says that this can come on any time and there seems to be no actual trigger for it.
He is on a very limited, bland diet which he doesn’t appreciate one little bit.
We are just so glad Jessie didn’t get it. At thirteen, I don’t think the outcome would have been as positive for the old girl.
I make no secret of the fact that I prefer animals to people but I wish the feckers wouldn’t make me love them so much.

Ironically, as I typed this, Jess got up and crapped all over the floor.