Access

Yesterday was spent at my Dad’s.
A cracker.
I have laughed so much my ribs hurt today.
There is something totally different about laughing with family.

He is in dispute with a couple of his neighbours.
They don’t actually know they are on his shit list, but they will.
The man who sets smelly fires at odd times of the day is first.
Pa has acquired a high powered hose that would make the fire brigade envious.
He is waiting on the attachment that will connect it to the hydrant in the street.
Then Mr Fire Starter will experience a deluge of biblical proportions!
I love my Dad!

It reminded me of Sunday ‘Access’ visits all those years ago.
Five kids, a collie in the back of a Reliant Robin van thing at Singleton Open Air Museum!
We always went to Singleton, like observing Wattle and Daub and Tudor houses where they slung shit out the windows would bring us together as a family.
My sister would always appear with a towel over her head, so her ‘mates’ didn’t see her getting in the car!
The handbrake failing in Arundel and chasing the car down the main street with Dad shouting,
“You older kids, throw yourself in front of it you fuckers! Slow it down.”
A great memory!
Waiting in the queue to pay to get in the castle.
Dad being told the price by the terminally middle class lady, turning and saying,
“Kids. Out. 49 quid? Arse rape! Back to the Plastic Pig (The affectionate name he’d given the van!)

When ATM decided I was ‘Uncontrollable’ she sent me to live with Dad.
The last thing I thought about was how he was going to get me to school.
The Plastic Pig!
Laughing like a man demented, he used to speed up the drive and ‘handbrake’ turn that fucker to deliver me back to the front entrance of the school.
The entrance NOBODY was allowed to use.
Other kids were dropped off in Jags, Daimlers and Rollers…
He’d tell teachers to ‘Fuck off’ as they tried to remonstrate, chuck me 10 John Player Special and say,
‘Learn hard today mate and remember most of them are cunts. Love you’.
Then he’d rev the Plastic Pig until it spat out black clouds of exhaust, and screech away.
Happy days!