Sunday, December 27, 2009

Festive Cheer

Well, that’s Christmas done for another year.
Thank fuck.
The Sassy one came round and we ate the Salt Beef I’ve had curing for the last 3 weeks.
It was fecking lush!
Having the Saltpetre made a real difference to the colour this time.

Mass Nutter topped himself this morning.
After farting loudly several times he let loose with an epic sneeze.
It seems he has never been taught about putting a hand in front of his mouth.
He covered the back of the lady in front of him, depositing what my Dad would call ‘Dockyard Oysters’ on her hat and coat.
This set me off retching and I couldn’t get control of it for some time.
I don’t think I’m going to be able to sit near him again.
I certainly won’t be sitting in FRONT of him, dirty fucker.

Tomorrow I’m off to The Maldives.
My dream holiday.
Thought I’d better get it done while they are still there!
What do you pack for 9 days in paradise?
I’ve got my snorkelling gear, swimmers, camera, music, a few tee shirts and shorts.
The biggest dilemma is what to wear to the airport because there is no way I’m wearing shorts while in this country!
So people.
Have a smashing New Year and I’ll catch you in 2010.


Saturday, December 19, 2009

Got My Grin On

This gave me a proper chuckle this morning and I thought, 'Yeah! Why not Sister', so I'm stoned out of my tiny mind!

"If G-d wanted us to smoke dope, he would have made it naturally occuring, plentiful and easy to grow..."

Friday, December 11, 2009

An Education

I have had a splendid afternoon with Mad Matt, whom I would just like to add, is FINISHED for Christmas!
See that my state school friends? Finished!
The other thing is, he looks as well, happy and healthy as he did when he started.
He was not pale. There were no dark rings under his eyes. He wasn’t hunched over.
It was great to see.
Teaching is supposed to be a pleasure, a vocation, not something that halves your fucking Chi.
Ten years ago, our talk was of how we got a class engaged, a funny or touching moment with the kids, the jokes we played on classes, the moment that 1 kid got it.
Now it’s all about inspections, targets, teaching and learning or learning and teaching as it has been renamed, results, levels etc.
No wonder it’s all gone to shit.

This term Matt has heard ONE ‘fuck’ dropped by ONE kid and that was only 2 days ago.
Different world!
My favourite story was of one very sweet, very na├»ve year seven girl, who came into his class only to find the word “Penis” written on the front of her book.
Matt describes her as being traumatised.
So, he Tippex-ed over it.
A week later he found her doubly traumatised when she discovered the word “Penis” written ON the Tippex!
Inevitable I felt, but I love it!
Also, we would both like to know what St Jean Baptist De le Salle’s miracle was.
That the Christian Brothers got away with their abuse for so long?
We tried looking it up but were a little, um, worse for wear and nothing made any frigging sense!
We did find out JPII was a bit OCD about making Saints.
Mathematics, being Witchcraft to the pair of us, we took a stab at that being one and a half a week.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Tis The Season...

Today I have done some more shouting.
The postman this time.
I sat and watched him lean his bike against my wall, anticipating the doorbell I got up.
Bills and the ‘while you were out’ card dropped on the mat.
I was out of the door and down the road after him.
“Oi! Oi! Don’t ignore me I won’t go away. What’s this bollocks?” I asked, waving the card at him.
“You never touched my bell you idle fucker and OBVIOUSLY I AM in!”
He just stared at me.
I stared back.
He put his bike between us.
“Give me my parcel then!”
He didn’t have it. It never left the Post Office.
The bastards.
I went to get it, expecting it to weigh a tonne.
When they handed it to me, it was so fucking light my arms felt filled with Helium.

I’ve definitely bolloxed my karma with Housemate Pat.
She cooked the absolute worst smelling dish I have ever had the misfortune to breathe in.
I cannot even begin to describe it but the stench made me angry.
Crisp-e is the only other person I have seen get ragey about a smell!
I sat and fumed until I heard her go into the shower.
Waiting until I was sure she was soaped up, I went and flushed the downstairs lav, turned the hot tap in in there, the utility room and kitchen.
Utter arsehole-ness but I just couldn’t help myself.
I’ll take the karmic bitch slap.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Requiem For A Soul

Today I went to the Requiem Mass of someone I didn't know.
Sounds weird doesn't it?
It's a Catholic thing I suppose. If Mass is being said all are welcome.
It had been mentioned on Sunday that this lady was being sent off and as she was up in her 90's had outlived nearly all her relatives. Father P asked if we were free could we attend.
I think he was worried about having to say Mass to an empty church.
It stuck in my mind and I thought about how awful it would be to have no one at your funeral.
So I went.
He must have pulled the same shit at every Mass because the place was packed!
To top it off she had chosen one of my favourite hymns.
How Great Thou Art.
The beauty of this one is that you don't necessarily have to be a good singer, or even in tune to belt this bad boy out.
So I did.
Amazingly, rather than draw the usual horrified stares when I go into 'Pearly King Pub Singer' mode, I got smiles and the rest of them went for it too!
I didn't know any of the others but tackled them with equal aplomb.

Now for the bank.
Bunch of wankers.
They have decided to block EVERY, SINGLE transaction I try to make because of 'Unusual Activity' on the card.
Oh, I wonder why that is?
Couldn't have anything to do with it being FUCKING CHRISTMAS could it??
Yes, Yes. I understand the anti fraud aspect of this but I'm thinking that a major card fraudster would spend more than £20 per transaction?
"Please Contact Your Bank"
Those four words can send me from zero to Psycho Killer in under a second.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009


This is my new 'phone.
Can I use it? Can I fuckery!
I have done my usual 'stick with Nokia because it's the only one I can work' thing, except this is nothing like any of the Nokias I've had before.
I don't deal with change very well.

Sunday, December 06, 2009


.... You can't dry your socks at Mass, just when are you going to get them dry?