Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dental Plans

This morning I went to the dentist for the first of three treatment visits.
Quite possibly my least favourite thing in the world but it had to be done.
I really, really do not like the chair and although my surgeon is an avuncular Irishman, I’ve watched Marathon Man far too many times!
Years of using Smoker’s Toothpaste had taken the enamel off my front teeth; tea, coffee and smokes had stained what remained.
It was horrible.
I was going to have it done ages ago but the cat got ill and the vet mugged me for £600.
I was so happy with the result, that as the enamel was replaced I didn’t even feel the £160 been removed!
Until late afternoon I felt like that Frenchist woman who had the face transplant, numb from the eyes down.
Right now, my complete top jaw aches like a bastard and the gap between my teeth appears slightly larger.

Mrs Next Door With The Kids was overheard asking her husband,
“Which child would you like to punch the lights out of?”
We overlooked the split infinitive because it sounded brilliant in her nice posh accent!

Monday, June 29, 2009

The Rage

We have been promised a heat wave this week and so far, so good.
The Sleepy Mansions garden thermometer hit 37°C today.
This meant that Housemate Pat’s line of washing was dry at 11.00am but did she bring it in?
Did she fuck.
By four I’d had enough of it shading my plants and shouted at her window,
“How much fucking drier are you waiting for this shit to get?”
When she came to get it, I used the opportunity to air another gripe.
“I’ve wiped up the sticky shit you dropped all over the floor in front of the washer.”
She thanked me. Fucking thanked me!
“So you knew it was there then?”
“Oh yes” She said, and pissed off indoors.
It took so much self control not to run and smash her head in with the spade, I made myself feel physically sick.
I haven’t felt quite that violent in a long time, or so I thought.

The ante was upped, considerably.

As the good weather has made the Vine grow apeshit, I decided to make stuffed vine leaves.
I wanted to give them a good wash as I am unsure of the Kashrut status of Spider, Aphid and Lacewing.
Ironically, this is when I discovered the slime ridden Pork bones blocking the sink.
In a split second I WAS my mother.
Rage and spite made flesh.
A primal scream that was part growl just began to well up in me and it couldn’t be contained.
Letting it out, I started beating and kicking the cupboard doors all the way around the kitchen.
(When ATM used to do this my sister and I called it ‘Drumming’ or ‘Mother’s gone a bit Keith Moon’!)
I did the only thing I could do, which WASN’T beating her until I was too weak to continue with something Le Creuset have made; I wrapped them in kitchen roll and left them outside her room.
She knows how I feel about pig products.

Anyway, here are the Dolmades!

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Unusually, Mrs Next Door Without The Kids was home from work and out in her garden today.
So, during our ‘hellos’ her health was asked after.
“I have ‘flu.” I was told.
Followed up with the most stomach churning sentence ever.
“I am showing the symptoms for Swine Flu, so they are testing me for it.”
There is not really a reply for that so I stepped back and said, “Oh”.
They got back from a 2 month tour of Hong Kong and the Philippines at the end of May.
I would have thought it would have declared itself a bit sooner; unless she came back ‘clean’ and picked it up here or she just has ‘flu.
What ever it is I’ll be keeping the fuck away from all the inhabitants next door.

It’s just been announced that Michael Jackson is dead.
I wonder what happens to ‘his’ children now.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Bog Grub

The Bog Lettuce is coming along nicely and so far, *touch wood*, the slugs and snails have left it alone.
Maybe they slide right off the pan.

It’s weird, but no matter how many times I see Hugh Fearnley- Whittingstall the urge I have to kick his fucking head in never diminishes.
I wonder why that is?

There was a bit of excitement this evening when the police were called to the 'halfway house'.
The road was blocked for about half an hour while one officer talked to the nosey people across the road and her mate played with a dog further up the street.
I have no idea what it was all about as I was wondering whether I should stop the weed delivery!

This got my grin on today!
It also looks as if Froggish cuisine is pretty much fucked.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Monday 22nd June 2009

Yesterday was the longest day of the year and Christ it felt like it.
I spent hours in the garden and even though it was mainly cloudy with sporadic sun, I’ve managed to get some colour.
I’ve done something to the tendon in my arm though, turning my wrist causes pain to shoot up my forearm.
A real pisser when you’ve just picked up a boiling pan of pasta.

Check out the tomato selection!
Don’t even start to laugh at the Actimel pots.
If I didn’t wear glasses I could have blinded myself, twice.
Gardening while stoned, although a mellow experience, can be a bit frigging dangerous.
Also in the photo is some Garlic, Beetroot, Fig, Blackcurrant, Rocket and some Thyme.

This has given me endless giggles.
Simple things and all that.

This is what the Solstice is all about!

Friday, June 19, 2009


Well bugger me!
Check out the last comment on this old post.

It's the, 'My Imam told me about this blog....' bit that mildly freaks me out!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Catch

Today is my Step Mum’s 60th birthday.
Unfortunately, I thought it was tomorrow and that’s when I’ve arranged for the flowers arrive.
My Dad’s ‘Father’s Day’ books turned up though which has made me feel like a right bastard.
On the subject of Dad; this is the photo my brother sent to my phone with the caption:

“We couldn’t afford a Chippendale for Mum’s birthday, so we got her this instead!”

It takes a certain kind of man to carry off braces with a pair of shorts and I’m proud to say, my father is just such a man!
I was visiting Crisp-e at the time and we cracked up.
He likes my Dad and is fascinated by his ability to be horrifically rude to people, without having an underlying ‘condition’ to blame.
I’m sure, if he were at school now he’d be diagnosed with everything they could think of.
As it was, he left at 14 with a couple of tattoos, all his teeth and eventually learned to read and write in prison.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

In Dreams

I’m two for two.
2 days and 2 nights without sleep.
I’m having mild hallucinations, that ‘out of the corner of your eye’ stuff.
I can’t concentrate on anything and my spelling is for shit.

This is my tune for today.
It would seem I’m a bit of a sucker for a power ballad when teetering on the edge of insomnia induced madness.
It would also appear it does not have a negative impact on my Libido because I would smash the granny out of her!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Spiders On Tuesday

While trimming this shit, which I think is Feverfew; I noticed one of those False Widow spiders disappearing up the sleeve of my tee shirt.
Bitey fuckers.
Well, in keeping with my new ‘Hamas Hair’, I started beating my upper body like an Arab at a funeral.
The tee shirt came off and I think I stamped on it a couple of times.
Mrs Next Door With The Kids was bringing her washing in and asked,
“You ok?”
“Yeah, just a full on Spider Spaz.”
She shuddered.
Then a dangly bit on her washing line touched her face and she flipped.
The armful of washing went up like a nuclear mushroom cloud and she was in her house, door shut, before it hit the ground.
Most impressive.

The advertising for Father’s Day is coming at us hard and fast.
Mainly music, or so it seems to me.
George Harrison? If I bought the Old Man that he’d go fucking mental.
“Dad Rocks!” with Kiss, Robert Palmer and Lynard Skinnerd would get me killed.
I got him books.
A trilogy about Attila the Hun by William Napier.
I thought they were a really great read, he’ll fecking love them!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Monday The 15th Of June 2009

The first lot of Sleepy Mansions Radishes were harvested over the weekend.
I love ‘em and I love ‘em when they're hot and peppery!
Other than salad, roasted or dip does anyone have any recipes?
For Christ's sake don't suggest Stir Fry.
There are more to come as well. I've sown them so I can pull a crop every two weeks or so.

I think this is pretty cool.
Although, you do have to wonder about the number of years spent watching fucking ants!

Just how the fuck am I supposed to change a plug with this? Or divide a tomato so that it has spiky teeth? Or, if they still existed, pick the lock on the telephone?
The nieces and nephews look at me as if I'm totally mental if I talk about when ATM put a lock on the 'phone!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The Weekend

It is official people; I’m too fucking old for clubbing.
An acquaintance of mine has recently left her husband and come storming out of the closet.
She had a brief relationship that is now over.
As the only other queer she knows she has been contacting me to go out ‘on the scene’, her words.
The Scene here is three venues and is utterly vile and incestuous.
But being a bit of a soft touch I agreed to go out with her.
The thing I failed to impress on her was the concept of ‘Gay Time’. Only heterosexuals go out before 8pm!
But she had her heart set on it.
So we arrived at her chosen venue, which can hold at least 300, to find two old queens (one with a bun like Aunt Flo from Bod! WTF) and a surly barman.
It gradually got busier but not much and somehow we ended up in the club above.
It was beyond dire, so awful I didn’t realise I had a chance with the nice lady who looked after our coats.
Most unlike me!
I did have a fecking good dance but spent the next day in agony with my knees and was partially deaf.
I’m still not sure my hearing is right.

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel that it is inherently wrong that I have to bleach clean the fucking washing up bowl?

Check out Pot Head and his Lollo Rosso 'hair'!

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Up to 90

Today my Grandmother would have been Ninety.
Her Mum died aged 99 but my Nan was gone at 63.
I often wonder what life would have been like these past twenty seven years if she’d been around.
What would have been different?
What would have happened when I realised that she was extremely controlling and possibly a bit unstable?
Would my relationship with Attila the Mum have been more or less fucked up?
Would ATM be more or less fucked up?
Would I have come out when I did?
(Although, I don’t think there is any element of choice about that one as I don’t feel I’ve ever been ‘in’)
What would her attitude have been to the continued contact with my Dad?
Oh well, as she would have said herself;
‘If, if’s and and’s were pots and pans there’d be no work for tinkers’.
Not that she would have ever had a pan mended!
She’d have been straight to a branch of John Lewis to replace the whole set!

The water stopcock outside The Mansions is leaking badly. Ironically the roots of the tree have busted it up.
I used the online leak reporting service and informed the water company.
“Landmarks” the form asked.
I filled in, “Yes, fucking great puddle outside house.”

My hairdresser, who usually whines about his divorce, was in a better mood today.
He is going to the Isle of Wight Festival at the weekend.
This meant he kept leaving my head to look at tents his assistant was finding for him on a laptop.
His distraction and me being utterly stoned has led to a shorter crop than usual.
I’m calling it, ‘The Palestinian Cut’.
Imagine all the Arab boys you’ve ever seen on the News and you’ve got it.

Lately I find myself writing shopping lists, going to the shops; then returning home to see if what I have bought bears any resemblance to the list I LEFT ON THE FUCKING TABLE!
My short term memory is shot to fecking pieces.
I’d like to know if there is any research in to cannabis use and the onset of Alzheimer’s.

Heard on the BBC evening news during an interview with parents at a West Country Crèche where someone has been arrested for kiddie porn.
“Everyone is finking all these foughts and we don’t know what to fink.”

Monday, June 08, 2009

Wiltshire, Trains And Canadians

I’ve had a lovely few days in Wiltshire.
Although a deaf, possibly senile, old Greyhound barking in your face for no apparent reason is a bit wearing.
Especially when her breath smells like a bucket of shit.
Blue dragged me along the side of the Kennet and Avon Canal and then across three fields.
It was glorious.

The Mid week train to Westbury is another country all together.
It is basically the ‘Fat Lass’ Express until it gets to Southampton, with some of the lesser lards alighting at Fareham.
There was one, who couldn’t have been more than 20, who looked like she had her considerable arse on backwards and could only move sideways along the carriage.
Southampton was also where the elderly unidentified ‘North Americans’ got on.
They were loud and had truck loads of stuff which was used to barricade themselves in to the window seats.

I stood as we pulled into Westbury, just as the old woman noticed the White Horse cut in to the hill.
“Aw!! Look! Look!” out came the camera but she couldn’t get out of her seat.
“Excuse me would you mind taking a picture for me?”
“Um, Canadians or Americans?” I asked.
“Canadians” she replied.
“Of course! No problem” and I took the photo.
As I was handing the camera back the old man pipes up,
“What if we had been Americans?”
“If you’d been Americans you would have had a brilliant story about a hideously rude Englishwoman you met on the train. Enjoy your trip. Bye!”
They were still laughing as the train pulled out and they waved enthusiastically.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

2nd Of June 2009

I saw my first Red Damselfly of the year today, depositing the next lot of Red Damselflies!
It was another really hot one and I couldn't stay outside too long.
Tomorrow it all ends and the temperature will drop.
Summer is probably over.

Mr & Mrs Crisp-e have a new bathroom suite, so I have a new place to grow Lettuce until I think of something more creative to do with it.
A nod to my Pikey heritage.
It's a shame I couldn't do anything with the bath; would've made a brilliant pond or flowerbed!

My 'next door but one' neighbours have builders in. Early morning, cheerful whistler builders.
I have no idea what he was trilling this morning but the fucker managed to get this firmly lodged in my head.
If I have to endure it, so can you.

I feel for those poor fuckers on that Air France flight.
Doesn't matter how many times they xray your shoes or how many millilitres of shampoo you have with you; none of it stops fucking lightning!
I'm sure someone will be found to blame.

I'm off to Wiltshire until the weekend.
You know what that means.... No Interwebs for Sleepy.

Monday, June 01, 2009

The Weekend

Thanks to Crisp-e this is what happens if I'm left idle too long.

I've had a great weekend.
Delivering 21st birthday presents and seeing Camille O Sullivan.
What a great show she puts on!
As I told Schnee, imagine someone brought up by a bi-polar mother who only watched Cabaret and A Star Is Born and you've pretty much got it.
The weather was absolutely Scorchio and I even got a bit of colour. As much as my 'Stealth Ginger' genes will allow before a trip to the burns unit is needed anyway.

The thermometer in The Mansions garden touched 40 degrees today.
It was savagely hot and I couldn't stay out there longer than 10 minutes before my skin started to prickle.
Everything in the garden is loving it.
I've even managed to get Cactus seeds to sprout.
Must learn how to pot them on before they get too fecking vicious.