Today my Grandmother would have been Ninety.
Her Mum died aged 99 but my Nan was gone at 63.
I often wonder what life would have been like these past twenty seven years if she’d been around.
What would have been different?
What would have happened when I realised that she was extremely controlling and possibly a bit unstable?
Would my relationship with Attila the Mum have been more or less fucked up?
Would ATM be more or less fucked up?
Would I have come out when I did?
(Although, I don’t think there is any element of choice about that one as I don’t feel I’ve ever been ‘in’)
What would her attitude have been to the continued contact with my Dad?
Oh well, as she would have said herself;
‘If, if’s and and’s were pots and pans there’d be no work for tinkers’.
Not that she would have ever had a pan mended!
She’d have been straight to a branch of John Lewis to replace the whole set!
The water stopcock outside The Mansions is leaking badly. Ironically the roots of the tree have busted it up.
I used the online leak reporting service and informed the water company.
“Landmarks” the form asked.
I filled in, “Yes, fucking great puddle outside house.”
My hairdresser, who usually whines about his divorce, was in a better mood today.
He is going to the Isle of Wight Festival at the weekend.
This meant he kept leaving my head to look at tents his assistant was finding for him on a laptop.
His distraction and me being utterly stoned has led to a shorter crop than usual.
I’m calling it, ‘The Palestinian Cut’.
Imagine all the Arab boys you’ve ever seen on the News and you’ve got it.
Lately I find myself writing shopping lists, going to the shops; then returning home to see if what I have bought bears any resemblance to the list I LEFT ON THE FUCKING TABLE!
My short term memory is shot to fecking pieces.
I’d like to know if there is any research in to cannabis use and the onset of Alzheimer’s.
Heard on the BBC evening news during an interview with parents at a West Country Crèche where someone has been arrested for kiddie porn.
“Everyone is finking all these foughts and we don’t know what to fink.”
Oooookaaaay.
8 comments:
I heard that interview and nearly choked on my tea myself, the women at the school gates were loving it, it was the most exciting thing that had happened to them in years - I wouldn't be surprised to find them competing to have the most badly abused child...
Or a tragic child.
You know, drowned in the bath, the weight of creoles and sovs holding them under.
Yeah, so far as innies and outies are concerned, I can't imagine you being 'in'.
Eesh, the waterboard, no wonder they gave their name to a method of torture.
Sounds like the Palestinian cut could keep you going through the summer. I bet people will keep thinking you're a lesbian.
You really shouldn't go out shopping sober, it messes with your head.
Ah, the West Country, so beautiful and full of mystery and history, whilst at the same time being Britain's answer to the Appellations.
Schnee... Yeah, it's weird how people take one look at me and think, 'lesbian'!
The Palestinian Cut will keep me going for 5 weeks before it becomes unbearable.
You are sick puppies!
Sassy!! You know it!
Peeps, you have subverted my moral compass! Every time the latest update on that nursery comes on the TV I start giggling and then get hit with a whammy of shame. Can I get compensation???
Sassy.. My work here is done!
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