Sunday, January 31, 2010

Doctor, Doctor

I don’t like going to the doctor.

I don’t like having to talk to the ‘Reception Nazis’.

I don’t like having to sit in the waiting room with other people.

I don’t like the depressing little room my quack sits in.

I don’t like how he NEVER seems to definitively know what the problem is.

I just don’t like it, so I don’t go.

It seems I'm justified.

“Undiagnosed Pychosis”?? “... see things or hear voices”??


Fucking Ketamine for Christ’s sake!

Well, on a happier and more exciting note, I’m going to the Winter Olympics!

Another one of my dream trips I’m not going to put off any longer.

I don’t care what I see, although I’d prefer the Speed Skating to the Curling.

Schnee and Kev are very, very kindly putting me up.

Huge thanks to them in advance.

So, Vancouver; Brace yourself, I’m off the leash on on my way!

Julie Walters as Mo Mowlam in ‘Mo’ calling Mandelson a ‘Cunt!’.... Pure Gold!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Grey And White

It has been such a grey day. Utterly grey.

I have a friend who comes from County Offaly, which if you’ve never been, is the brownest place on earth.

My friend claimed that the inhabitants had has many words for brown as the Inuit have for snow.

The ‘British’ should have as many for grey; but other than different spelling I can’t for the life of me think of anything other than ‘Battleship’ and ‘Gun Metal’.

Last weekend the laptop finally died.

It had been showing signs of illness for a few days which gave me a chance to back shit up before the blue screen moment.

I now have a MacBook.

I know! I know! You’ve all heard me rant about the imac and how I can’t work it.

When the man in the shop told me that I’d have to learn Windows 7 more or less from scratch I decided, ‘Fuck it! Might as well learn the Apple stuff’.

So that is what’s happening at the moment.

It is proper sexy though! Depesando had me bang to rights when he suggested I might be ‘running my fingers over it going Ahhhhhh’.

I don’t even skin up on it! (There must be at least an eighth in the old one)

During the horrendously frustrating hour trying to get it hooked up to the wifi I got this text from Crisp-e after asking him if he knew what to do.

“Ok. Does Claire know how to? I gotta be honest, when I tried to do mine I lost my temper to the point where Mrs Crisp-e had to take over. Really frustrating. You need Claire, TP or Mrs Crisp-e. Peeps who can be bothered to read through all of the shit and work it out.”

Are we too alike or does he know me TOO well?! Mmmm...

This morning I had a coal delivery from, quite possibly, the oldest coalmen still working.

Their combined age was at least 130 and I carried most of it myself for fear they would die in my hallway.

I have also spent some time in Wiltshire with the hounds.

GAWJUS! As ever.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Ho Hum

Yesterday, due to a refit and staff shortages, the Tame Pharmacist begged me to go to work with her.
After hours of whining and a promise of TOTAL silence through Spurs matches until the end of the season, I agreed.
I unloaded drug deliveries, checked them off a list, slung some in the Dispensary and stacked the others.
It was so far beyond boring my brain must have shut down in shock because I can’t tell you a single fucking thought I had all day except one.
“Mmmmm.. Here I am the result of an expensive education and I’m playing Jenga with boxes of pills that make you piss..”
Some people get a lot of satisfaction from stacking shelves and making things tidy.
I am not one of them.
Thank Christ for the Spotify application on my phone and some particularly ‘active’ weed.
It also reminded me that I am better off not being around people.
Especially women of a ‘certain age’.

The day before that I had a total ‘Bleugh’ moment in Lidl.
Usually I love Lidl but as I looked down at my trolley-full, a wave of ‘I just can’t be fucking arsed’ washed over me.
The thought of having to take all of it out just to pile it all back in again made me seriously consider abandoning the trolley and going home.
Two things stopped me:
1. I was starving and there was nothing in the house.
2. I wanted my quid back out of the trolley.

I need the Olympics to start... Soon!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Bored On Sunday

Today I walked out of Mass after his sermon because, in all honesty, I’d lost the will to live.
As my heart wasn’t in it anymore it seemed rude to stay.
I was so bored.
Maybe I’m wrong and it has been known, but I thought the sermon bit was supposed to explain the readings bit and then tell you how to apply it.
Not sit there and more or less repeat it again but in ‘easier’ language.
Fuck off you lazy bastard!
I’m not fucking deaf! I heard it the first time round and if I WERE deaf, repeating it is STILL no fucking help.
I’m not fucking stupid either! I understood the words the first time round too.
Perhaps he was saving the shit kicking one for the 10.15 service but somehow, I doubt it.

At the risk of being unpopular, I think the Earthquake was the best thing to happen to Haiti.
It was an absolute shithole of a place before the quake.
Horribly poor people living a third world life 60 miles off the coast of the USA.
For years, organisations have been trying to get their ‘debt’ dropped.
NOW, something will be done for these people.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

A Choon

This is my tune for today.

It sounds like Marc Bolan and the Dr Who theme to me; BUT I am very, very stoned!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Holy Makeovers!

Sassy got me this postcard while she was in Rome...

I made some changes...

Monday, January 11, 2010

Trouble In Paradise 2

One of the “All Inclusive” freebies was a ‘Sunset Punch Cruise’.
‘Ok’, I thought ‘Maybe there’ll be a sunset tonight’.
There was a meeting time in reception and I pitched up.
Many Frenchist types.
Too late to back out as well, not without a $ fine.
I waited outside and because of this accidentally ended up first in the queue.
Being all British about it, I tried to hang back and let a few get ahead of me.
The French came out of there like, well,.. like fucking Exocets and made sure they were at the front.
They then made sure that they got, what they considered, the best seats on the top of the boat.
When the Punch came round hands were flapping at the tray like ‘Hungry Hippos’.
Their seats were very good, until the dolphins turned up.
Then my shit spot became really very good.
French woman then forced her way in beside me so tight she may as well have been in my pocket.
I was winding up and realised what the 'Punch' part of the cruise was all about.
She then felt it necessary to point across nearly every shot I tried to take screaming, “LA!”

The boat was circling the pod but instead of picking a spot and staying there, she ran from one side of the boat to the other every few minutes.
I was jostled every time she moved.
The Red Mist was descending.
You know when you imagine punching someone and it’s happening in ‘slo-mo’; and you can almost feel the pain it will cause you?
That’s how I pictured my elbow and her nose.
I was so angry I felt nauseous.
I didn't speak for about an hour afterwards because I still couldn't trust what would come out!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Trouble In Paradise

The first altercation was with the Germans.
A certain inevitability to that I feel.
The resort was quite mixed. Many Russians, a lot of French, Germans and Indians along with a few British and Irish.
‘My’ Germans had a Laser pen.
Mmmm. Good fun.
Not after catching one in the eye.
I politely asked them to keep it away from me, explaining one had rendered me sightless for 3 days.
They stopped.
Two nights later, sat outside the bar, I got the ’Sniper Dot’ on me.
I sat calmly while it slowly tracked its way across my chest.
Not being allowed to take my trusty Marmite with me turned me into a Mosquito Buffet.
(I have 21 bites on 1 fucking leg!)
The only relief from the itching is Tiger Balm. I swear to Christ it stops it dead.
So, I filled the end of my index finger with a big ole smear of balm and set off for the Germans.
As I approached, I started to stagger and roll like a very pissed person.
I’ve had practise.
Just as I got to my German I ‘tripped’, fell into him and poked him in the eye with a finger full of Tiger Balm.
See how he liked blindness for a couple of days!
The Russians I had made friends with liked this very, very much.

I will tell you about the French tomorrow…
I’m still not quite over it.

Paradise Lost...

Home from Paradise.
It was just that…. Fucking Paradise.

A selction of photos for you

More to follow, I'm sure...