Today

The Big little Brother turned up at midnight looking like he’d been ridden hard and put away wet.
He’d also had an unusual wardrobe malfunction.
Shoes that looked like slippers and cut off’s with an enormous hole in the crutch. The hole didn’t become apparent until he sat, cross-legged on the floor.
An unnerving experience.
He was smoking that Spice stuff that I can’t stand. I cannot begin to describe how nasty this stuff smells and tastes.
Thank G-d for the weed!
We drank wine, watched Rome, checked out our ’Science Project’ chatted and laughed.

This morning I had the Breakfast of Champions.
Chicken and Spinach Curry and a Chapatti. So much better the following morning.
I almost had a Cobra beer but 8am is a little early, even for me.
A huge mug of tea worked just as well.

Crisp-e visited this afternoon and it was great to see him. It’s been ages.
I had my first mooch around the garden for a few weeks.
The pond has cleared at last and I have a baby newt in there!
The Elodea has taken and looks green and healthy.
The snails are growing and are doing their stuff keeping it clean.
I’m really chuffed.

My junk mail has been inundated with notices that someone or other has added me as a friend on Facebook.
Cool.
But I’m confused. I do not have a Facebook account. Never have.
Schnee, explain this madness to me please.

Euro Rage

A few things have caught my eye over the past week, with this one especially pissing me off.
The first piss off being I can’t remember which advert it is.
Anyway.
There is an advert with a bouncing Pound sign in it. Like this £.
Ahh.. But it isn’t!
It has TWO lines across it. Like this € .
The stealth Euro.
They are trying to get us used to the idea my friends, by using our beloved TV against us.
I’m on to it.
The Fuckers!

Lessons in queuing are going to be given to foreign students visiting the Isle of Wight!
Residents have complained that they push to the front of queues for buses.
This has cracked me up.
How do you teach that?

“Right, if you’d all like to line up, one behind the other…..
Yes, that’s it…
Excellent!
Now, either stare at the sky or look at your feet.
Under no circumstances talk to anyone”.

Apparently the French, Germans and Scandinavians are the worst offenders.
Unsurprisingly, Eastern Europeans have no difficulty with the concept of queuing.
You also have to remember that the average age on the Island is 92.

Could this be the perfect example of that ‘Elephant in The Room’ thing?
To paraphrase Murray,
“Your man Jason is a cake boy!
He’s a disco dancing, Oscar Wilde reading, Streisand ticket holding, friend of Dorothy. Know what I’m saying?”
Jeez!
The Daily Nazi doesn’t usually hold back on calling a Queer a Queer.

A Wanderer Returns

I’m back from Canada.
I had a fucking blast! I’m in love with Vancouver.
I am not in love with jetlag.
I went to bed at 3 in the afternoon, got up for a curry at 5, went back to bed.
Got up at 10.25pm, had drop more curry and went back at 1.30am.
Got up at 5am, wanting a beer and went back at 8.30am.
Got up for the last time at 3.15 this afternoon.

A few tips for Vancouver bound travellers.

Expect to be killed/maimed/injured or just downright scared shitless by drivers on their mobile phones.
Prepare to be amazed by the number of Oriental people you see. All signs are in English and Cantonese.
Supermarkets DO NOT sell booze, only Liquor Stores.
No one else finds things named ‘Beaver’ this or that funny.
The price on something is not what you pay. They add on all manner of taxes.
Some bus drivers will threaten to kill you if you cross the road in the wrong place.
Others will give you free tickets just for being a ‘Visitor’.
When it is ascertained that you are ‘British’, do expect to be asked if you know people in towns you’ve never visited. Especially Scotland.
They smoke their dope neat.
Their dope is very strong!
Go to Commercial Drive and eat at Havana. Most Yum. Most cool.
Buy clothes, they are cheap. I can’t recommend Old Navy enough!
Fags are something completely different. Do not ask for 20, you get looks.
It’s almost impossible NOT to eat salmon.
The beggars always ask if you can ‘do them a favour’.
You can.
Point to all the shop windows with ‘Help Wanted’ signs in.
Watch a show called ‘Corner Gas’. You’ll be glad you did.
Have the Elvis Platter at Memphis Barbecue. Crisp-e, this is the place for you! Especially if you are on a Carb free thing again.
Taste Kokanee and Sleeman’s beer.
Go to Granville Island and check out the market.

The two weeks spent with Schnee and Kev were absolutely brilliant.
They are very calm and easy to be around.
I can’t thank them enough for being so generous with their home and time.
Their friends were a great bunch to be around too. Such a good laugh.
Gail, Ross and Lily, the invite still stands!

I read 9 books while I was there.
The number of books I get read is how I measure how good my holidays are.
This rates as one of the best. Ever.

Oh Canada!

As previously mentioned, I’ve been writing this blog for just over a year now.
It started out as a kind of test for myself.
To see if I could keep it going for a year.
I did, so I’m not too sure of the point of continuing with it now.

Anyway, I’m off to Canada in the morning for 2 weeks!
I’ll see how I feel about it while I’m there.

Schnee and Kevin.
Brace yourselves!!