The Loss

Kenny was put to sleep on my lap this afternoon.
The vet and his nurse came to us and it was worth every penny.
He went off quietly and peacefully with me telling him how much I loved him.
I buried him under the Pear tree and put a slab on top.
The grief I feel is bordering on overwhelming and is hitting me in waves.
I feel physical pain when I see his bowl, his collar or any other reminder of him.
Murff can’t work out what the fuck is going on and has been wandering the house calling for him.
I don’t think I was in this kind of state when my Grandparents died!
Animals I can feel for; humans, not so much.
When I see adverts for starving children drinking nasty water I just watch without taking too much of it in.
The one for the fucking Donkeys I have to change channel, it upsets me.
I feel like Melvin in ‘As Good as It Gets’, after he has had to give the dog back.
‘Over a cat’

Kenny came along at the beginning of a new start for me.
Before I started at Uni I had an agency job working on the bins.
It was a great job.
If you were on, and could keep up with, a good crew you were home by 11am.
I got on a crew like that.
The ‘foreman’, AG, took a liking to me and we got on well.
Three months in, I was running up a path for a bin and my Abuser walked out of the front door.
I hadn’t seen him for years and I was nearly sick at his feet.
Grabbing the bin, I ran back to the truck and asked AG to take it back.
During lunch, I told him what had spun me out so much.
I went home at eleven and got on with my day.

At 9pm that evening, there was a knock at the door and it was AG.
There was a car with two others from the crew in it.
He just said,
“Come on Lover, there’s stuff you need to sort.”
We drove to the abusers house and the lads got him out.
They then gave me a baseball bat and told me to, ‘get it out of my system’.
I did.
Afterwards we went back to AG’s house for a drink.
During the evening, he opened a cupboard in his kitchen, showing us a big old Pompey cat and a load of 2-day-old kittens.
“Choose one.”
He was the kind of bloke you didn’t say no to.
I saw a little bundle fighting for a booby!
I pointed and said,
“If that’s a boy, I’ll have it.”
He was the ONLY boy.
He was Kenny.

Huge, HUGE thanks to Sassy, who was here with Kenny and me.
Mr & Mrs Crisp-e who were here 2 minutes after.
Richard whose emails were such a support.
Alison, Dan and M, whose texts were so kind.
I will never forget.

One for my baby and one for the road.
Co-op Chablis for my boy.


My eyes are so fat from crying I can't wear my spex and everything has a blurred, watery quality.
The Chablis adds something totally different!