I have an evil cold at the moment and I feel like death warmed up. My nose just drips, it feels like I’m trying to swallow ping pong balls and my body aches as though I’ve had a bloody good kicking. The horrible dry cough makes my lungs my enemy and is interfering with my smoking, but I‘m persevering . I can be very ‘blokey’ when I’m not feeling well. I don’t have a cold, I have ‘flu.. You know the sort of thing.
I’m on my Dad’s remedy, which is lemonade heated up in the microwave for a couple of minutes. I’m not sure if it actually does anything but he’s convinced.
On top of this, it’s my neighbours day for having 8 small children to her house to scream and cry. I’ve had to listen to, “Molly, put it down it’s not yours, I said put it down Molly, if you don’t do as you are told you will have to go and sit on the bottom step”.
I just can’t imagine this sort of conversation going on in my childhood!
I would have been slapped long before that and as for sitting at the bottom of the stairs? It would have been too painful to sit on the bright red handprint! Who else remembers running around their own shoulder joint as your arm was held and your arse slapped?
When I think back, the only smacks that I remember are the ones I didn’t deserve! Like the one for breaking the shed window. Sister did that. Stealing money from my Step-Father, yet again, my sister.
All the slaps I deserved and I assure you there were many, I don’t remember. Anyone who works or has worked in a school knows that kids have a heightened sense of justice, even the mildest mannered, mousey kid will go apeshit if there is a perceived injustice.
ATM had reinvented herself by the time she had my brother. (He’s 17 years younger) He didn’t get slapped like we did and what I think is worse, she wouldn’t let his Father discipline him AT ALL. I can remember my sister and I staring open mouthed at each other when he deliberately pulled down the net curtains. In unison we said, ‘Slap him!’
ATM’s reply is what caused our jaws to drop, “I don’t know what is wrong with you two, you resort to violence at a drop of a hat”… Well, we must have licked that off a stone out in the garden!
In Scotland it is illegal to slap your kids, Northern Ireland is going the same way. So it is just around the corner for us. Soon I’ll have to stop shouting ‘Piss Off outside your own house and play’ at the kids who Roller Thud (It’s and attempt at skating but they just thud along) outside my house. I’ve probably damaged one of the poor little fuckers and in 20 years time I will be sued because they can’t take responsibility for their sad, fucked up life!
Who hasn’t looked at a kid behaving like an animal and thought,
‘SLAP IT!’?
As my Nan used to say, ‘It concentrates the mind’.
8 comments:
The only thing that slapping ever did to me was make me laugh. I was a sadistic little fucker, often whipping my mum into an uncontrollable, crazed baboon rage. Her arms couldn’t move fast enough!
One time, she got so mad that she came at me with clenched fists. My response was to grab her arms and lead her on a merry dance around the kitchen! It was so funny that she eventually gave up and laughed herself.
Cracking!
ATM came at my sister and I with a wooden spoon once.
Our crime?
Fighting during Emmerdale Farm. She was rabid. Foaming, the lot!
Yeah, when they start spitting whilst pronouncing every syllable of 'don’t-speak-to-me-like-that"!
I had a wooden spoon thrown at me like some kind of ninja shureken. I was about 9 or 10 at the time and I was laughing at 'bums' and 'tits' on OTT with Lenny Henry. My mum warned me to stop the drainpipe laugh or else. Alas, my sense of good fun overrode my limbic system and I carried on laughing. After about 2 more minutes she appeared from the kitchen armed with the wooden spoon.
There must be some sort of training they get from their Mum.
My Nan was lethal with a slipper and with her Mum it was hairbrushes.
I wonder if there is a certain ceremony they go through where they choose their weapons?
Indeed, progressing all the way up to 'THE BROOM'. Grand masters only!
Oh god yes, I'm always wanting to give kids a slapping, grown-ups too. Sometimes I just stand and stare at parents ignoring appalling behaviour from their brats. It's the superpower I want most, to be able to slap offensive little brats invisibly.
Totally in love with the Invisible Bitch Slap!
Oh and, sorry you're feeling like crap, hope you feel well soon.
Dean-o used to have a cure for colds that involved pounds of garlic and lashings of brown sugar. I think it worked because when you thought about the cure it frightened the cold out of you.
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