Connections And Cleaning

I’ve been having serious Connectile Dysfunction with the Broadband.
Frigging Virgin Media have joined my shit list.
You name it, I gave it a go. I restarted, turned off, turned on and unplugged every imaginable electrical item vaguely connected to the Internet.
No joy.
I got connectivity back this morning.

Yesterday I gave the house a deep clean.
It smelt of Flash, Windolene, Cannabis and burnt hair.
It was colder than a Witch’s Tit so the fire was lit.
The logs were too wet to burn, they sat there hissing and spitting flaming bark shrapnel onto the cat.
The cat is too stupid to move and laid there with smoldering fur.
It’s his own fault for being such a heat whore.
If you want to know where your hot water pipes are, borrow Kenneth.

I want a version of one of these.
It will be called a ‘Stupidity Card’.
I would be able to present it to shop staff as soon as they began to piss me off.
So, from the moment I walk in really.
It would enable me to hand them a list of what I want, they will bugger off and get it.
The whole transaction will take place in silence.

I’ve started reading a new book; it’s early days but seems okay.
The writer is extremely descriptive though and I’m finding myself skipping her paragraphs about hair colour, how it is tied up and the location of wispy bits.
Sometimes less is more.
“She had brown hair” will do for me.
I’m not one of those people who pictures the characters in my head as I‘m reading, that’s what TV is for!
I don’t believe anyone sits there and actually tries to work out how to pronounce Polish names.
You take an imprint of it in your mind so that you recognise it and the character.
If you are still reading out loud or your lips move, books with names like ‘Janet and John’ are going to be more your level.

Schnee and the gang are round for food and booze this evening.
Updates later.