C the builder came round this morning to look at the double glazing.
There have had some issues with it for a while.
Some cosmetic, some not.
Told Everest about it and they came back.
They looked, they listened, they nodded, they wrote stuff down and then they were never seen or heard from again.
C agrees that I can have them for all sorts.
Big mistake.
Don’t piss me off.
C is proper Pompey and one of the nicest guys you’d ever meet.
I only ever see him with Rick the Right Wing Sikh, but he was alone today.
It was weird, like seeing someone without their make-up on.
You know it’s them but there’s something not quite right about them.
About 20 years ago he was diagnosed with bowel cancer and was given months to live.
He said he just decided,
“Nah, I ain’t fuckin’ avin it! I’ve got a Missis and fuckin’ kids!”
He and his wife started to look into experimental treatments that were going on in America at the time.
One involved Caffeine Enemas.
Yep, firing coffee up your Jacksie.
They went for it and, well, he’s still here!
My first question which unfortunately didn’t remain unasked was,
‘Do you get a Doctor or a Barista for that kind of thing?’
Anyway, watch out Everest. I’m coming for you.
British Gas didn’t like it and you certainly won’t.
My gripe today is Flowers.
Cut flowers in particular.
Housemate Claire has been sent numerous bunches of flowers.
How these aid her recovery is beyond me, but people seem to think it works.
The gripe is, ‘When do you chuck them out?’
Is it when the first one dies? When the last one dies? When half of them die?
When they start dropping staining, sticky pollen everywhere?
How about when the water is a green, stinking gloop and the stems have all but dissolved?
When they are dry, crispy and the petals drop all over the fucking floor?
No?
THEN WHEN!?
And rest……………………And breathe…………...................
For future reference, NEVER buy me flowers.
Give me the money and I’ll buy a book.
This is my tune of the day.
It gives me that ‘silver paper on a filling’ feeling, but in my stomach.
Beautiful.
Happy Hanukkah!
Just outed my self as a Tom Lehrer and a South Park fan.
Youtube really DOES have something for everyone!
11 comments:
I throw out flowers when the petals start to drop and the leaves go manky. But that's me.
And you take those Everest boys to the cleaners. Big style. Wankers.
And rest.
If I had my way I'd collect them at the front door, grab a bin bag on the way through the kitchen, put them in it and stick the sack outside the backdoor for bin day.
Hahahaha! Flowers look good but not worth the hassle. What about those who buy them regularly as part of their shopping! What that all about? You usually see them walking across the Waitrose car park with a token bag filled with ridiculousness and a bunch of flowers draped over the other.
I like Waitrose ridiculousness though!
I love flowers, but I agree that they can be high maintenance and I end up picking out individual ones and re-arranging them and changing the slimy water and...yeah...
When a guy in our writers' group was diagnosed with cancer recently and then got sick, straight off, someone said, 'buy flowers' and I said, no, because it seems funereal, also it seems lazy. Bung in a fiver or a tenner and forget about it.
Then someone suggested we all write something for him, a 'literary bouquet' and we all thought it was a great suggestion. So we did that and he was really pleased that we'd done it.
And no smelly water and no petal drop.
Oh and I also LOVE Waitrose ridiculousness, and am totally looking forward to getting me some.
I'd rather have a plant. Something I can kill in my own good time!
Yup, plants are good too.
Also think that Schnee's literary bouquet is an inspired idea...
lol! If I'm honest, I like Waitrose ridiculousness too.
It's unnatural not to like Waitrose ridiculousness!
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