I’m going mental.
I am in desperate need of a serious haircut. The trouble is, it ain’t that easy!
I have complicated hair. Two crowns and a couple of cow licks. It all grows different ways, mainly out!
I have had hairdressers just suddenly stop half way through the cut and tell me they can’t do it.
I have had one, while using clippers, suddenly say, ‘Ooops’ and step away from me.
I was out of the chair and had her pinned to the wall by the throat, screaming, “Fucking Oooops”, all in the blink of an eye.
Suffice it to say, there are a few establishments where I am no longer welcome.
There was an afternoon when Crisp-e and I did some mushrooms and decided to attack my mop with his clippers! Not an ideal plan and we had to get Yusef the Barber to sort it out! Wasn’t too bad but I did look like a young Arab boy for a week.
All this aside, I NEED a haircut, there are bits going curly for fuck’s sake. I can’t live with that kind of shit going on with my Barnet!
I’m going to have to be careful here, after my Steve Urwin experience, but Ray Mears is getting on my tits.
He has a new programme where he bimbles around Britain doing his ‘hunter gatherer’ bit showing us how our Mesolithic ancestors survived. Eating some of the nastiest looking shit you’ve ever seen. Smacking his lips and saying how wonderful it all is.
Is it buggery.
It’s all stuff you tell kids to stay away from because dogs and tramps have pissed on it.
I do love the idea of being able to mooch around the countryside and know exactly what I could and couldn’t eat. But his delivery and attitude about it is so smug and superior it puts my back up. Makes me want to poke him straight in the eye with one of his ‘tasty’ Razor Clams. The one he has cooked on a hot stone heated by the fire he made from rubbing fucking slow-worms together or something. You’d think a man who dresses straight from Millets would have heard of a camping stove or a Trangia.
I better not bump in to him in Waitrose because I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from having a rant if he didn’t have seaweed, snails, slugs and algae in his basket. (All stuff I’m sure Waitrose would have!)
2 comments:
Darnit! You should've tried out the hairdressers in Devizes, they don't know about you yet.
It was something I was worried about coming here, how the hell do you find a good hairdresser, I knew no-one in my own city who could recommend one, I just got lucky.
I'd advise avoiding that one just along from Austen, can't remember what it was called now, but there were two rocket scientists from Mayhem working there.
Dunno Ray Mears, but clearly since you've marked him, he needs to stay away from deadly mushrooms.
Never fear!
Ray will turn up on one of the Discovery Channels showing you how to survive on sand in the middle of the Sahara.
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