Nicotine And Rain

Not wishing to sound stereotypically British but the weather is horrendous.
Roofs have been blown off, trees uprooted, power lines are down. Flood warnings are in effect in many places but you can guarantee a hose pipe ban in a few months time.
The wind has taken next door’s back gate straight off its hinges and Mrs Next Door has a face like a slapped arse. She has been bitching at Mr Next Door to get it sorted for some time. (Our walls aren’t thin but she is shrill!)
I lasted as long as I could but my body’s relentless call for nicotine drove me out of the house and into the maelstrom.
I made the ‘skinning up Oregano’ mistake in 1985 and I won’t be doing that again.
The rain was horizontal and the wind so strong I had no choice but to jog. Well, on the way there, anyway.
Coming back against the wind, I think I must have looked like a mime artist pulling myself along on an invisible rope.
When I got in, I had to go through that whole wrestling thing that happens when you try and take off wet jeans. To be confronted with legs the colour of corned beef, the shitty stuff in cans not the proper stuff. Twenty minutes later the sky was blue, the rain had stopped and the ‘hurricane’ had dropped to a gentle breeze. It stayed like that for 10 minutes, the time it takes me to get to the shop and back.
I’m sure I heard G-d chuckling.
Bastard!..

Another advert is getting on my tits. Just for a change!
A little oriental boy sat on the toilet has a total tantrum because a white contraption on the wall isn’t working. His Mum is outside asking what is wrong, all of a sudden he has a pen and writing material (Most unhygienic). He ‘draws’ that the air freshener has run out.
So, basically what they are saying is, “shit stinks“.
No, really?
And air freshener takes the smell away. Well, thank fuck they told me that. I would never have got that one on my own!