People, I’m in all sorts of trouble.
Mr and Mrs Next Door invited the inhabitants of Sleepy Mansions round for food and booze.
The Chinese relatives cooked up what can only be described as a feast.
The smells were amazing and we got to taste proper Chinese fare.
As some of you are aware I have a love/hate relationship with seafood.
I love it, it hates me.
I know if I eat it I will be violently ill within a few hours but it’s a short lived illness and I’m prepared to go through it.
Last night I had barbequed prawns and squid and it was gorgeous.
The Chinese relatives were brilliant. They cooked, topped up glasses and ran around being the perfect hosts.
I puked my guts up last night and this morning my bowels are in a somewhat delicate state.
We met new people and even met the next door but one neighbour. Through her we were introduced to her sister in law. She is married to the brother of her Dutch husband.
I listened to her for a bit and said,
“You don’t sound Dutch”.
“Oh, I’m not”, she replied “I’m Canadian. I’m from Vancouver”.
“Fuck Off!” I said “One of my bestest mates is in Vancouver! In Richmond!”
“Fuck Off!” she said “I grew up in Richmond!”
It’s a village, people, a fucking village.
At this gathering there was a little boy of about six.
Fucking monster more like.
He came steaming out into the garden screaming and shouting like something possessed.
He could not keep still.
For some reason kids like this home in on me and this one was no different. (Maybe they recognise a kindred spirit!)
I tried to, politely; inform him that I didn’t appreciate being whacked repeatedly with his wind up torch but to no avail.
Swapping seats with someone made no difference; he was determined to get to me.
His Mother, I might just add, was nowhere to be seen and didn’t once try and control her brat.
When I pointed this out to Mr Next Door he leant close and quietly said,
“She has lost ALL her friends because of that fucking kid”.
I was not at all surprised. Little shit.
He hit me again and my patience had been used up.
“Touch me again you little shit and I’ll punch you in the back of the head” I whispered to him.
That’s when I knew he wasn’t right.
Other kids I have had occasion to use this method with stay the fuck away from me!
Not this one.
He stood there, grinning, as if I had given him directions to the seafront in Arapahoe.
I got him to come and sit (I sat, he just jumped up and down like Tigger!) with me and taught him how to play Paper, Scissors, Stone.
The rest of the guests looked relieved that someone was doing something with him.
When he had to go he was really sweet and I got a kiss on the cheek.
His Mother didn’t even say ‘thank you’ for doing her fucking JOB.
“Come on”, she said, “Or you will be too tired for tennis tomorrow.”
A hand on my elbow stopped me from losing it and shouting,
“Tennis? Fucking Tennis? Spend some time with your kid and stop punting him on to other people! You fucking waste of organs!”
Aaaaand Rest.
4 comments:
I feel your pain, I truly do. As you know, I have a nephew who almost precisely replicated the behaviour of this child. A right little prince, he ruled the family roost for about 4 years until even my mother realised that he was a fundamental pain in the arse and that this was largely due to the way he had been reared. In his thirties, he took zillions of years to complete his degree (and we were always told what a frigging genius he was) and has only had two years paid employment in his entire life. No Saturday job for him and his brother, oh no. No having to work in the holidays (because being a teenager is sooo tiring and he had to consider his school work). My sister did all his washing, cooking, ironing, room cleaning - she even cleaned his shoes. Whilst also holding down a full time job.
WHen precious children visited my parents home (where I was still living as a teenager) they basically trashed it. My mother wouldn't let me or my boiling mad dad say a word against such behaviour because she was afraid that if we protested, she would lose her daughter. Instead, she visited the tyranny of my sister and her kids on us to the nth degree. It was hugely damaging. Even last week I was fool enough to listen to yet another litany of woe connected to this hapless twat of a nephew. This will be the last time such an even occurs. The worm has finally turned.
I told you to take me to that family meal of yours!
I would've sorted the mensch from the goys!
Hehehehe!
Some kids just need a bloody good thump. Or euthanasia, that'd work too.
Hmm...it does seem to me that you had just the right mix of nationalities there for Richmond, Chinese and Dutch (I dunno, we just get 'em).
On Friday, we had the summer volunteers in for orientation. There was one white girl. In the afternoon, a big brother came to pick her up,
'Ah, you must be Megan's brother,' I said.
'Oh, yeah, how did you know?' he asked. I just gave him the look.
What Canadians and Americans call shrimp are really prawns, and I mean technically they are prawns. There actually is a difference in classification between the two.
In spite of all the Chinese ppl here, chinese food is much better in Britain, much, much better.
I'm not a huge fan of Chinese grub.. Give me an Indian menu anytime!
Those kinds of kids find me everytime.
Like cats always go to people who hate them.
The Universe is perverse.
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