Palm Sunday

The longest Mass of the year today and, Christ, it was interminable.
It started off in the garden area with Palm leaves.
I hate that.
I didn’t want a Palm leaf, I find them very distracting, but nobody would believe me.
One old dear got quite aggressive about it and told me I HAD to have one.
I told her I had hayfever and she fucked off, grumbling, and with a fair amount of suspicion in her eye.
Remembering the water throwing from last year, I stood well back.
I swear to G-d he took a run up and with an over arm bowling move flicked that big old pastry brush right at me.
Flinging myself back against the wall I totally ‘Matrixed’ it.
We are engaged in an unspoken war over the magic water but he hasn’t got me yet.
I’m considering carrying Alka Seltzer tablets in case he does get lucky one day.
Can you imagine the look on his face when I come up foaming?!

Eventually we processed back to the Church singing, ‘One Hymn To The Tune Of Another’, while everyone checked they had locked their cars.
Much lock clicking and light flashing.
That’s when the fun and games started.
It triggered something in the Altar huggers.
People turn up obscenely early so they get ‘their spot’ at the front.
These people were also the first out to the garden, so on the return they were at the back.
I felt the ripple of panic lurch forward as they realised ‘their spot’ was in jeopardy.
The blind lady and her dog picked up on it as well, so I got the other side of the hound and we formed a rolling block.
I think that’s when the pushing started!
We could hear the “Heys!”, “Watch It’s” and “Easy’s” sweeping forward but stopping short behind us.
It seems even the ‘faithful’ draw the line at pushing a blind woman, her dog and a surly queer with no palm leaf.

Is this the most Pro Porn photo in the world?
That’s the face you think of when you want to slow things down, as it were.
The woman is visual Bromide.
Imagine the words, ‘I’m horny’, coming from that mouth!
Jaysus!
I’ll be sticking with the six times table, that image flashing in to my mind could ruin me from the waist down.

I think this is something I’d like to see in the Premiership!