Number One.
Number Two
Number Three.
Number Four disappeared up the back of the shed before I could take a photo.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Friday, Saturday And Sunday
Friday's utter cunt award goes to....
ME!
The neighbours behind have let the bottom of their garden grow wild.
So wild that it has blocked the alley to my gate, is growing into my garden and is robbing my sunlight.
I attacked it with shears.
Savagely attacked it; and now the bottom of my garden enjoys the sun again.
I piled the mound of cuttings outside their back gate and phoned the council to complain about the blocked alley.
What a cunt!
When I went out to enjoy my work I noticed that I’d cut through their washing line which had been attached to my pole!
Cuntage complete!
Then, the instant frigging Karma.
Sassy had come round to have a look at my efforts and as I quietly opened the back gate for a bit of gloating, I found myself face to face with the ‘Gloatee’.
Fuck!
She took it very well considering she had come home to find her laundry all over the ground.
Saturday’s complete twat award goes to……
ME!
The wooden garden furniture was starting to look a bit ropey so I thought I’d tart it up a bit.
Creosote works fine on the back gate, why wouldn’t it work on chairs?
It doesn’t because it takes fucking eons to dry.
Crisp-e came round and has dealt with the tortoise which has been ‘rotting’ down in the garden.
He kindly cleaned the skull to present to me and even suggested wearing it around my neck.
A line had to be drawn.
“You sick cunt! This was my PET for over 30 years!”
Much laughter.
I won’t tell you what he wanted to do to one of the cats because even he realised that it was very wrong!
Today I have been to my Dad’s for his birthday and plant/seedling exchange.
I took over a selection of Tomatoes, Aubergines, Squash and Kohl Rabi.
I’ve returned with Turnips and Brussel Sprouts, not quite as exotic but I’ll give them a go.
This is him demonstrating what you do when you decide your feet are, “too fuckin’ hot”.
The reason you would have buckets of water hanging around the garden?
1. It’s not good to put cold water on your plants.
2. Leaving the water out for a few days allows the fluoride and other crap that is put in it to ‘burn’ off.
Friday, May 22, 2009
May 21st 2009
It was a gorgeous day today and I spent most of it in the garden.
I’ve planted Beetroot, two types of Carrot and potted up the Courgettes.
For a while I’ve wondered why I don’t come across any baby frogs.
Where have all last years tadpoles gone? They can’t all have been predated.
This morning as I was slaughtering snails this fecker appeared.
I’m delighted with myself and the little ‘Bucket Pond’.
It means they do come back, if they can!
Is there any greater, or simpler pleasure than being the first one in a new jar of Marmite?
I don't think so.
This won't end well.
I’ve planted Beetroot, two types of Carrot and potted up the Courgettes.
For a while I’ve wondered why I don’t come across any baby frogs.
Where have all last years tadpoles gone? They can’t all have been predated.
This morning as I was slaughtering snails this fecker appeared.
I’m delighted with myself and the little ‘Bucket Pond’.
It means they do come back, if they can!
Is there any greater, or simpler pleasure than being the first one in a new jar of Marmite?
I don't think so.
This won't end well.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
A Birthday
Today is my Dad's birthday.
He spent three hours at the hospital waiting to have the "Hepidural" in his back, only to be told his blood pressure was too high for it to be done.
It went stellar then.
I phoned him and we talked about our gardens.... Jesus, when did I get so fucking old?
I bitched about the biblical numbers of Greenfly at The Mansions to which he replied,
"They don't fuckin' come in 'ere babe!"
End of story.
He must just stand in his garden looking so menacing even Aphids know to give him a wide berth!
Happy Birthday you grumpy old fucker!
Blogger is still being a knob. I've had to download Safari to get on here.
He spent three hours at the hospital waiting to have the "Hepidural" in his back, only to be told his blood pressure was too high for it to be done.
It went stellar then.
I phoned him and we talked about our gardens.... Jesus, when did I get so fucking old?
I bitched about the biblical numbers of Greenfly at The Mansions to which he replied,
"They don't fuckin' come in 'ere babe!"
End of story.
He must just stand in his garden looking so menacing even Aphids know to give him a wide berth!
Happy Birthday you grumpy old fucker!
Blogger is still being a knob. I've had to download Safari to get on here.
Fondled, Fuckers And Faith or The 19th of May
I have had a lovely wet weekend in Wiltshire.
The hounds are their usual gorgeous selves.
Today I was fondled, YES, fondled in Somerfield.
A most disconcerting experience.
I was bent over, having a rummage through the loose Parsnips, when I felt a hand on my arse.
Not just my arse. Further, um, forward as well.
A place only my doctor and the available women of three Counties have been.
It has been a long time since I’ve moved so fast and I hit my head on a tray of mushrooms and my knee on the Carrots.
Now I was ready to punch someone only to be confronted by Miss H, the Octogenarian Lesbian.
I had absolutely NO idea how to react! I have had no training for this.
She laughed her head off and said I looked pale.
Fucking Pale! I really needed to sit down!
She waited for me and I carried her shopping home for her.
Her parting shot was that I had a ‘lovely backside’.
It’s going to take me some considerable time to get over that one.
I'm going to be honest here.
Am I the only one who is totally underwhelmed by the whole ‘MP’s and their expenses claims’ shit?
I EXPECT anybody at that level of politics to be corrupt in some way.
This made me ……
1.. 100% Liberal Quaker - I got chucked out of a Quaker meeting once!
2.. 99% Sikh - Love it!
3.. 98% Baha’i Faith - Happy with that.
4.. 96% Unitarian Universalism - What the fuck is that?
5.. 94% Orthodox Judaism - Unsurprising.
I’m only 43% Catholic so there is hope for me yet!
I also got filmed by the Google Maps car along Rue Albert today.
If I look pale, you’ll know why.
It has been a fucking nightmare trying to post this blog.
I don't need that.
If it is as difficult tomorrow, count this as my last post!
Blogger You Cunt....
.... Why will you no longer allow me to cut and paste to here?
I write in Word, then copy.
Fuck me about any more and I'm off.
8 hours to put it right or no more blogs from me.
I write in Word, then copy.
Fuck me about any more and I'm off.
8 hours to put it right or no more blogs from me.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
This, That And Crabs
This is *Rebecca Walker, daughter of Alice Walker and today she has mostly been the object of my more lustful thoughts.Apart from the ten minutes of Captain Janeway and Seven of Nine mid afternoon.
I was almost tempted in to some light self abuse but sublimated by slaughtering slugs and snails the rain brought out instead.
This cracked me up today; it was the Big little brother’s MSN tagline.
‘I went on a spiritual journey and all I got was this lousy Ultimate Truth.’
‘I went on a spiritual journey and all I got was this lousy Ultimate Truth.’
This is the tune that has mostly been bouncing around my head today.
While discussing STD’s it dawned on me that you don’t hear about people catching Crabs anymore.
Where have they gone?
The Tame Pharmacist can’t remember the last time she was asked for a ‘treatment’.
When I was at school they were all the rage, as it were.
My mate Vicki had them at least twice.
AIDS came along and everything changed, for a little while at least.
Where have they gone?
The Tame Pharmacist can’t remember the last time she was asked for a ‘treatment’.
When I was at school they were all the rage, as it were.
My mate Vicki had them at least twice.
AIDS came along and everything changed, for a little while at least.
Check it out! I made my own Chapatis today. Amazingly, they actually tasted like the real thing.*The pic was shamelessly robbed from afterellen.com!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The Birthday
My birthday was most enjoyable. Thank you, one and all.
I don’t celebrate the odd numbered ones, which this one was, but I had a good day nonetheless.
I also got some cracking gifts!
A five times distilled Vodka called ‘Snow Queen’ from Kazakhstan, a lightweight tripod for my camera, a sooper dooper new mouse for the laptop, Amazon vouchers (for books, not mono-breasted women), gardening books and a selection of weird and wonderful seeds, including ‘striped’ tomatoes and Kohl Rabi, whatever the fuck that might be! Cheers Crisp-e!
Housemate Claire cooked Moroccan Chicken and bought me jam and chutney JUST because of the brand name.
She knows me too well.
I don’t celebrate the odd numbered ones, which this one was, but I had a good day nonetheless.
I also got some cracking gifts!
A five times distilled Vodka called ‘Snow Queen’ from Kazakhstan, a lightweight tripod for my camera, a sooper dooper new mouse for the laptop, Amazon vouchers (for books, not mono-breasted women), gardening books and a selection of weird and wonderful seeds, including ‘striped’ tomatoes and Kohl Rabi, whatever the fuck that might be! Cheers Crisp-e!
Housemate Claire cooked Moroccan Chicken and bought me jam and chutney JUST because of the brand name.
She knows me too well.
Why is it weird to drink out of a cup with someone else’s name on?
Or is it just me?
A cup is a cup after all.
I can’t do it though, it feels ‘wrong’.
A cup is a cup after all.
I can’t do it though, it feels ‘wrong’.
This picture makes me feel physically sick.
My stomach just flips.
My birthday wish for him to be assassinated failed to come true.
Ho Hum.
At least he brought his own fucking hat.
My stomach just flips.
My birthday wish for him to be assassinated failed to come true.
Ho Hum.
At least he brought his own fucking hat.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
The Day Before...
... My birthday. In pictures.
I decided to wear something comfortable.
Unfortunately, I didn't get up in time for Mass.
The beef was so tender it just fell off the bone.
This sums up where it went from there.
Wine, Weed and Jaffa Cakes!
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Saturday
This is my dinner for tomorrow. Rib of Beef slow cooked for nine hours in Red Wine, Peppercorns and Thyme
To me, it doesn't get more English or Yummy than that!
The Sassy one sent me this. It has to be shared!
I’m loving this bloke!
I’m loving this bloke!
When I look at his fridge I'm reminded just how far along the Autistic Spectrum I spend my time.
No fridge door opening should elicit feelings of a spiritual nature!
Friday, May 08, 2009
Headache On Friday
I didn’t go to Tai Chi last night.
A headache that had been hanging around at the back of my eyes for a few days really kicked in.
I am very grumpy as a result.
It’s still there and I don’t know what to take for it, without causing serious damage to my liver.
His Nazi-ness is in the Middle East.
A dangerous place.
Fingers crossed.
Then there is Father Cutie.
Father fucking Cutie? Are you sure?
A headache that had been hanging around at the back of my eyes for a few days really kicked in.
I am very grumpy as a result.
It’s still there and I don’t know what to take for it, without causing serious damage to my liver.
His Nazi-ness is in the Middle East.
A dangerous place.
Fingers crossed.
Then there is Father Cutie.
Father fucking Cutie? Are you sure?
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Wednesday Whine
‘That Prick Peston’, as Robert Peston is known in The Mansions, reached new levels of queendom on Radio 4’s news this evening.
His delivery has gone all Russell Grant.
Hearing your horoscope like that is bad enough; but the depressing slide into economic ruination?
Fuck off! You complete Knob!
I was totally underwhelmed by Barcalona this evening.
They only had to score once.
Then as I was typing this…. They fucking well did! In the 92nd minute!
I have screamed myself hoarse.
This story illustrates, perfectly, one of the reasons visiting Australia has never appealed to me very much.
Falls well in to the realms of, ‘Fuck that for a laugh!’
Oh well, Tai fucking Chi tomorrow.
His delivery has gone all Russell Grant.
Hearing your horoscope like that is bad enough; but the depressing slide into economic ruination?
Fuck off! You complete Knob!
I was totally underwhelmed by Barcalona this evening.
They only had to score once.
Then as I was typing this…. They fucking well did! In the 92nd minute!
I have screamed myself hoarse.
This story illustrates, perfectly, one of the reasons visiting Australia has never appealed to me very much.
Falls well in to the realms of, ‘Fuck that for a laugh!’
Oh well, Tai fucking Chi tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Sliding Into Tuesday
I have bitched about Housemate Pat’s cooking habits before.At length.
This morning I had to endure something that smelt like fishy poultry, which I can only imagine is Seagull, and something else that smelled like burnt hair.
Just to lighten my mood further, a sheen of grease had been left on the floor which led to my Tom Cruise ‘Risky Business’ slide straight past the fucking kettle and into the cupboards.
I caught my funny bone at such a painful angle; nothing was left to me other than the scream of,
“You Cunts!”
Restrained I felt; seeing as what I actually wanted to do was smash up the rice cooker thing with a lump hammer, in an act of pure, roaring rage.
Cousin Markus came round and I got to meet his daughter!She is a little sweetie.
Sat on her Mum’s lap, as quiet as you like and watched United beat Arsenal.
Something I can never see too many times and good training for the child.
Somehow, during a moment of total weakness and obvious amnesia, I have been signed up and PAID for a fucking Tai Chi class!
How and when did that happen?
How and when did that happen?
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Oversleeping And Proper Schools
This is what happens when you oversleep and end up at Mass a little bit late, on a windy morning.G-d makes you look like Tin Tin for the rest of the day.
Not a serious punishment but as a kind of 'Oi! Don't fuck with me'... It can ruin your whole day!
I get it.
I'm not sure I'm happy about this but it HAS been worse!
AND when the fuck did I go grey?
You pricks (my friends!) were supposed to give me the heads up on that.
Bunch of cunts, the lot of you!
Today I’ve been at Mad Matt’s celebrating the mental fact that a local ‘Private’ School has taken him and his Geordie accent on.
The idea that ‘Posh’ kids will leave the school (that George Aligiah went to) with the exceptional use of the word “Champion” really appeals to me.
Brilliant!
Well Done mate!
It was this winning smile that sold it to those Christian Brother types!
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Under The Weather
I feel fucking hideous. A brutal hangover and no recollection of the final part of last night.
I had to use my emergency ‘phone a friend’ to come and get me because there was no way I could walk.
The last drink of the evening must have been Smirnoff Ice because it was the first thing to come back up this morning.
I’ve got the shakes and haven’t even had a smoke, unheard of!
It’s a beautiful day and I should be outside but I can’t, it’s just way too bright.
Didn’t we already know this? I’m sure we knew this.
I had to use my emergency ‘phone a friend’ to come and get me because there was no way I could walk.
The last drink of the evening must have been Smirnoff Ice because it was the first thing to come back up this morning.
I’ve got the shakes and haven’t even had a smoke, unheard of!
It’s a beautiful day and I should be outside but I can’t, it’s just way too bright.
Didn’t we already know this? I’m sure we knew this.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Sunshiney Day
Today was another gorgeous day so I spent most of my time in the garden.
Kenneth, ungrateful feline number one, spent his time 'stalking' me.
“Pot Head” is sporting a shorter ‘do’ this year!
Some sort of Cress.
I’m going to try him with some of that curly lettuce and see if I can get an Afro going.
The Radishes are popping through, as are the tomato seeds planted to replace the crop the fucking slugs decimated.
Bastards.
Some sort of Cress.
I’m going to try him with some of that curly lettuce and see if I can get an Afro going.
The Radishes are popping through, as are the tomato seeds planted to replace the crop the fucking slugs decimated.
Bastards.
I'm really pleased with how the Fig is coming along, especially as 2 years ago it was a dead stick!
Kenneth, ungrateful feline number one, spent his time 'stalking' me.Tuesday, April 28, 2009
My Mate
Today is Bestest Mate Crisp-e’s birthday!
Check him… Check him!
Check him… Check him!
I love this bloke like family.
In fact, he is my family..
We have laughed and laughed, drunk Vodka and laughed at ruptured ’Weightlifter’ arseholes on line!
And laughed a bit more.
Probably not his ideal birthday but at least alcohol was involved!
Crisp-e, Dred, I love you mate!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Rainy Monday
Today has been absolutely shitty.
It has pissed with rain for hours and hours and I got soaked going out for milk.
Then a friend, whose wedding I missed through illness came round.
She not only came round, she came out!
She’s left the husband and has a girlfriend.
Colour me surprised!
I found it all very weird because back when she was ‘straight’, I kind of fancied her.
We’re going out for a drink on Friday, to one of the three Gay places that this city full of sailors boasts.
A place I haven’t been in for years because I always end up in some sort of ‘trouble’ if I do.
I CAN control myself; I CAN control myself…….
I went and saw my Dad yesterday for a ‘seedling’ exchange.
Except I had fuck all to exchange as the fucking slugs have munched through everything and I’ve had to start again.
His Urban Estate is well underway and this year he has planted his beans in amongst the Step-Mum’s flowers.
(He has a spot for the onions this year!)
“I want ‘er fuckin’ bees don’t I!” he cheerfully told me, with only his bottom set of teeth in.
We had to reach a compromise about the knashers.
I can’t cope with seeing him without any in and they hurt him if he wears them.
The compromise is he wears half of them.
It doesn’t really satisfy either of us but at least this way I can look at him while we talk.
He came out with a classic as he was telling one of his stories about him and his brothers.
“I KNOW it happened on a Thursday because we had run out of toilet roll”
I looked at Joon with that, ‘What The Fuck? Face’, and we totally cracked up!
I tried to say Facebook and Twitter at the same time and it came out as ‘Twatter’, I think I will be sticking with that from now on.
It has pissed with rain for hours and hours and I got soaked going out for milk.
Then a friend, whose wedding I missed through illness came round.
She not only came round, she came out!
She’s left the husband and has a girlfriend.
Colour me surprised!
I found it all very weird because back when she was ‘straight’, I kind of fancied her.
We’re going out for a drink on Friday, to one of the three Gay places that this city full of sailors boasts.
A place I haven’t been in for years because I always end up in some sort of ‘trouble’ if I do.
I CAN control myself; I CAN control myself…….
I went and saw my Dad yesterday for a ‘seedling’ exchange.
Except I had fuck all to exchange as the fucking slugs have munched through everything and I’ve had to start again.
His Urban Estate is well underway and this year he has planted his beans in amongst the Step-Mum’s flowers.
(He has a spot for the onions this year!)
“I want ‘er fuckin’ bees don’t I!” he cheerfully told me, with only his bottom set of teeth in.
We had to reach a compromise about the knashers.
I can’t cope with seeing him without any in and they hurt him if he wears them.
The compromise is he wears half of them.
It doesn’t really satisfy either of us but at least this way I can look at him while we talk.
He came out with a classic as he was telling one of his stories about him and his brothers.
“I KNOW it happened on a Thursday because we had run out of toilet roll”
I looked at Joon with that, ‘What The Fuck? Face’, and we totally cracked up!
I tried to say Facebook and Twitter at the same time and it came out as ‘Twatter’, I think I will be sticking with that from now on.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Food, Books And Telly
Today Sassy and I took advantage of the ‘Pensioners Perks’ offer at the local *French place, The Kitch ‘n D’or.
A two course lunch for a fiver!
I had baked goat’s cheese with honey to start and a pasta dish.
If we had just stuck to that and drunk the free water it would have been £5.
Two Gins and Tonic, a couple of glasses of wine, a Port, a Brandy and a brace of coffees got the bill up to £29; which is still pretty reasonable.
I got my first ever delivery from www.bookdepository.co.uk today.
It turned up when they said, there were no delivery charges and the book was cheaper than Amazon.
Result.
Good tip Schnee.
This is what I am half way through.
I haven’t learnt anything new but she does pull all the research together and it’s easy to read.
Right, adverts.
Why do people who make their own sauces, that penis Loyd Grossman for example, get the shit out of a jar when they are advertising it?
Surely, if it is their ‘very own recipe’, they’d get it out of a pan bubbling away on their fucking cooker!
The last ever Boston Legal was shown tonight and it was blinding.
Brought a tear to my eye so it did.
Denny and Alan have become part of the family!
I’m really going to miss them.
*It’s owned by an Englishman and the chef is Chinese.
It would seem that having pictures of the Dordogne and signs in Froggish makes it ‘French’.
A two course lunch for a fiver!
I had baked goat’s cheese with honey to start and a pasta dish.
If we had just stuck to that and drunk the free water it would have been £5.
Two Gins and Tonic, a couple of glasses of wine, a Port, a Brandy and a brace of coffees got the bill up to £29; which is still pretty reasonable.
I got my first ever delivery from www.bookdepository.co.uk today.
It turned up when they said, there were no delivery charges and the book was cheaper than Amazon.
Result.
Good tip Schnee.
This is what I am half way through.
I haven’t learnt anything new but she does pull all the research together and it’s easy to read.
Right, adverts.
Why do people who make their own sauces, that penis Loyd Grossman for example, get the shit out of a jar when they are advertising it?
Surely, if it is their ‘very own recipe’, they’d get it out of a pan bubbling away on their fucking cooker!
The last ever Boston Legal was shown tonight and it was blinding.
Brought a tear to my eye so it did.
Denny and Alan have become part of the family!
I’m really going to miss them.
*It’s owned by an Englishman and the chef is Chinese.
It would seem that having pictures of the Dordogne and signs in Froggish makes it ‘French’.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The Quest
Something as simple as buying Cannelloni tubes turned into a fecking mission today and its official; there is NO Cannelloni in Southsea.
Along The Rue Albert I visited the Co op, Kwiki Mart, Tesco, The Deli, and Somerfield.
Nothing.
I even went in the Health Food shop in the hope that hemp wearing, Vegan Coeliacs eat Cannelloni.
They don’t.
As I was traipsing back I got pissed off with myself for not just going straight to Waitrose in the first place.
Waitrose always have fucking everything.
I collected Sassy on the way.
Not today they didn’t and I was traumatized by the experience.
Waitrose? Not having what I want? Unheard of.
That’s when it turned into a quest.
Too much time had been invested to just give up now.
We then tried Akram’s, the place for all things Halal, Asian and ‘bulk’,
Holland and Barrett, the Italian restaurant, Tesco Express, another Akram like place and another Co op.
Nothing.
Still I would not be defeated.
I cooked sheets of Lasagne until they were soft enough to roll and used those.
It worked well enough but they were just slightly too thick.
I suppose I should mention something about Saint George.
He is patron of this fucked up country, people who play Dungeons and Dragons and ‘Burger’ Van employees.
No one is sure if he came here though.
Who cares?
I like to think that as a Turk, he brought the first kebab to these shores and the ‘suspect’ meat was Dragon.
Not sure why he IS a Saint either but who gives a fuck?
St Patrick was Welsh.
We should get a Bank Holiday for him anyway just because The Reformation robbed us of loads of days off.
“Cry ‘G-d for Harry, England and Saint George’”
Along The Rue Albert I visited the Co op, Kwiki Mart, Tesco, The Deli, and Somerfield.
Nothing.
I even went in the Health Food shop in the hope that hemp wearing, Vegan Coeliacs eat Cannelloni.
They don’t.
As I was traipsing back I got pissed off with myself for not just going straight to Waitrose in the first place.
Waitrose always have fucking everything.
I collected Sassy on the way.
Not today they didn’t and I was traumatized by the experience.
Waitrose? Not having what I want? Unheard of.
That’s when it turned into a quest.
Too much time had been invested to just give up now.
We then tried Akram’s, the place for all things Halal, Asian and ‘bulk’,
Holland and Barrett, the Italian restaurant, Tesco Express, another Akram like place and another Co op.
Nothing.
Still I would not be defeated.
I cooked sheets of Lasagne until they were soft enough to roll and used those.
It worked well enough but they were just slightly too thick.
I suppose I should mention something about Saint George.
He is patron of this fucked up country, people who play Dungeons and Dragons and ‘Burger’ Van employees.
No one is sure if he came here though.
Who cares?
I like to think that as a Turk, he brought the first kebab to these shores and the ‘suspect’ meat was Dragon.
Not sure why he IS a Saint either but who gives a fuck?
St Patrick was Welsh.
We should get a Bank Holiday for him anyway just because The Reformation robbed us of loads of days off.
“Cry ‘G-d for Harry, England and Saint George’”
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
My Earth Day
I had some very good reasons for spending the day in the garden today.1. It is Earth Day.
2. It has been fecking gorgeous, 23 Celsius at one point.
3. Shit needed doing.
4. I wanted to avoid anything to do with the Budget. Although, I wouldn’t mind knowing why Milo O’ Shea was involved.
The Edible Estate is starting to come along.
The Aubergines, Tomato, Gourd and Butternut Squash seedlings have been hardened off and are planted out.
The Courgettes, Radishes, Red Scallions, Salad Leaves and all the herbs are sown.
For those of you who have a compost bin I would suggest throwing a load of parsley seeds around the base of it.
The soil there is so good and you can just forget about them.
This lot was scattered last year.
I swear to Christ my Dad is some kind of fucking sick prick!
We have been waiting on news of his latest Cancer biopsy for a couple of weeks.
Remember he had bits chopped out of his mouth a month or so ago?
This evening he phoned and it went like this;
We have been waiting on news of his latest Cancer biopsy for a couple of weeks.
Remember he had bits chopped out of his mouth a month or so ago?
This evening he phoned and it went like this;
Dad… “‘Ello lover. Well, it’s good news and bad news. The doctor told me to get the bad news out of the way first.”
My stomach shimmied and churned. The far back of my throat went so dry swallowing almost made me retch.
I went and got the vodka.
Me… “What? Just tell me Dad, what did they say?”
Dad… “The bad news is I’ve probably got about 40 years left!”
Silence.
Me… “You’re some kind of cunt aren’t you?! You just took ten years off MY fucking life you knob!”
Then the maniacal laughing started.
Both of us!
Me… “Did you get the others?”
Dad .. “Yeah! Hahahaha! Every single one of you!”
Me… “You’re a sick fucker! Nice one though! Who hung up on you?”
Dad.. “Your sisters! Hahaha! I told Joon you’d be the only one who’d laugh!”
Me… “Dad, that is not a comfort to me!”
Dad.. “Hahahaha! I love talking to you. I fuckin’ love you mate.
Me… “I love you too old man”.
Complete twat!
I absolutely love the man to bits and it’s always nice to know where the ‘Sick Bastard’ gene comes from.
The good news was that there were no Cancerous cells in this biopsy.
Just the Stomach and Oesophageal cancer that is killing him now.
He doesn’t seem to mind, he’d been on the booze since three this afternoon.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Dykea Day
Dykea in Southampton is very different to the Dykea in Croydon.
There is a distinct lack of Dykes for one thing.
Perhaps the one at Croydon is situated along a Lesbian Ley Line.
One that passes through Brighton, Amsterdam and Lesbos on its way to New England.
In Croydon there is one behind every ‘Billy’ and ‘Dislekksyk’ bookshelf.
This one is mainly old posh people up from The New Forest.
Old people who follow the arrows like they are directions from Christ Almighty.
Watching them squinting at the labels and then trying to pronounce a name that looks like a blogger word verification is entertaining.
Secondly, by Ikea standards it was empty.
I didn’t get ragey or want to push anyone once, which is bordering on the miraculous.
I set the timers to go off at five minute intervals, bought a cast iron skillet I don’t need but really fucking wanted and have enough tealights to start my own religion.
I’ve stuffed my face with mini Dime bars like an escapee from fat camp and feel a bit disgusted with myself actually.
I’ll work them off in the garden tomorrow.
I’m going to plant out the Radishes, Tomatoes, Aubergines/Halflange, and the Gourds.
B&Q was pretty painless too but I need to know how much 125 litres of multi purpose compost weighs.
I carried two bags of it about 20 metres and I’m now convinced something that used to be fully internal isn’t quite anymore.
Something ‘groinal’ popped.
Lunch!
There is a distinct lack of Dykes for one thing.
Perhaps the one at Croydon is situated along a Lesbian Ley Line.
One that passes through Brighton, Amsterdam and Lesbos on its way to New England.
In Croydon there is one behind every ‘Billy’ and ‘Dislekksyk’ bookshelf.
This one is mainly old posh people up from The New Forest.
Old people who follow the arrows like they are directions from Christ Almighty.
Watching them squinting at the labels and then trying to pronounce a name that looks like a blogger word verification is entertaining.
Secondly, by Ikea standards it was empty.
I didn’t get ragey or want to push anyone once, which is bordering on the miraculous.
I set the timers to go off at five minute intervals, bought a cast iron skillet I don’t need but really fucking wanted and have enough tealights to start my own religion.
I’ve stuffed my face with mini Dime bars like an escapee from fat camp and feel a bit disgusted with myself actually.
I’ll work them off in the garden tomorrow.
I’m going to plant out the Radishes, Tomatoes, Aubergines/Halflange, and the Gourds.
B&Q was pretty painless too but I need to know how much 125 litres of multi purpose compost weighs.
I carried two bags of it about 20 metres and I’m now convinced something that used to be fully internal isn’t quite anymore.
Something ‘groinal’ popped.
Stan’s rant on Shameless tonight was nothing short of Shakespearean!
Lunch!Swedish Meatballs.
It would have been churlish not to!
It would have been churlish not to!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Like The Deserts Miss The Rain
I’ve felt pretty miserable today.
I have a crick in my neck that Diazepam aren’t touching and it is the anniversary of my Grandmother’s death.
She has been gone twenty six years.
I can honestly say that there hasn’t been a single day when I haven’t thought about her or missed her.
I’ve never forgotten the look on my uncle’s face when I opened the door to him.
Being sent to my room and hearing the unnatural screaming when he told Mum the news.
I’ve never forgotten that ATM wouldn’t let me go to the funeral or even have the day off school as my sister did.
Or that when I cried with the grief I was whacked repeatedly as she screamed, “You’ve only lost a Grandmother, I’ve lost a Mother!”
Anyone brought up by and with their Grandparents will understand just how devastating that sentence is.
She broke something between us that day and I never felt the same about her ever again.
Thirteen years old and I knew my Mother was a monster.
I’m going to cheer myself up by going to Ikea tomorrow. I don't really want to buy anything but I will be robbing a couple of their big yellow shopping bags.
Got idea for their use in the garden.
This was my Nan’s song and makes me think of her every time I hear it, no matter the version.
I have a crick in my neck that Diazepam aren’t touching and it is the anniversary of my Grandmother’s death.
She has been gone twenty six years.
I can honestly say that there hasn’t been a single day when I haven’t thought about her or missed her.
I’ve never forgotten the look on my uncle’s face when I opened the door to him.
Being sent to my room and hearing the unnatural screaming when he told Mum the news.
I’ve never forgotten that ATM wouldn’t let me go to the funeral or even have the day off school as my sister did.
Or that when I cried with the grief I was whacked repeatedly as she screamed, “You’ve only lost a Grandmother, I’ve lost a Mother!”
Anyone brought up by and with their Grandparents will understand just how devastating that sentence is.
She broke something between us that day and I never felt the same about her ever again.
Thirteen years old and I knew my Mother was a monster.
I’m going to cheer myself up by going to Ikea tomorrow. I don't really want to buy anything but I will be robbing a couple of their big yellow shopping bags.
Got idea for their use in the garden.
This was my Nan’s song and makes me think of her every time I hear it, no matter the version.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Visiting And Vibing
Ex Housemate Mikey is home for a few days!
It’s brilliant having him in the house again; although he is in the ‘guest’ room and is just visiting; it feels like a family again.
He needs a job though.
The Credit crunch has drained all money away from PhD funding.
He’s finding it impossible to get on a PGCE course, even with a Science degree and Msc.
Any (sensible) ideas welcome.
To complete the rest of the family group, I have been round to Mr & Mrs Crisp-e’s for the traditional ‘end of holiday, back to school dinner’.
That man can do things to lamb that are just plain unnatural and I don’t mean in the Welsh way.
The men of Greece wouldn’t do ‘that’ to a sheep. Why ruin a good business plan?
I would also like to draw attention to the fact that their cat is a fucking vicious bitch.
“Ooooh! No, she’s lovely. She wouldn’t hurt you.”
Um… No.. She’s fucking not and Yes, she fucking would.
Mrs Crisp-e needed a plaster after playing with her.
We have drunk much wine and Jagermeister.
Jagermeister in the form of a kind of Jagerbomb except we mixed it with the Red Bull rather than depth charging it.
After all, we are not savages!
I don’t watch any of those “Reality” shows at all.
They make me feel uncomfortable and I'm not sure why.
For someone who has absolutely NO embarrassment filter for herself, I have a highly honed one for others.
Weird.
I only looked at this because her name is everywhere at the moment and I swear to Christ it choked me up.
It made the hairs stand up on me.
She reminds me of the Jane Horrocks character in 'Little Voice'.
It’s brilliant having him in the house again; although he is in the ‘guest’ room and is just visiting; it feels like a family again.
He needs a job though.
The Credit crunch has drained all money away from PhD funding.
He’s finding it impossible to get on a PGCE course, even with a Science degree and Msc.
Any (sensible) ideas welcome.
To complete the rest of the family group, I have been round to Mr & Mrs Crisp-e’s for the traditional ‘end of holiday, back to school dinner’.
That man can do things to lamb that are just plain unnatural and I don’t mean in the Welsh way.
The men of Greece wouldn’t do ‘that’ to a sheep. Why ruin a good business plan?
I would also like to draw attention to the fact that their cat is a fucking vicious bitch.
“Ooooh! No, she’s lovely. She wouldn’t hurt you.”
Um… No.. She’s fucking not and Yes, she fucking would.
Mrs Crisp-e needed a plaster after playing with her.
We have drunk much wine and Jagermeister.
Jagermeister in the form of a kind of Jagerbomb except we mixed it with the Red Bull rather than depth charging it.
After all, we are not savages!
I don’t watch any of those “Reality” shows at all.
They make me feel uncomfortable and I'm not sure why.
For someone who has absolutely NO embarrassment filter for herself, I have a highly honed one for others.
Weird.
I only looked at this because her name is everywhere at the moment and I swear to Christ it choked me up.
It made the hairs stand up on me.
She reminds me of the Jane Horrocks character in 'Little Voice'.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Dublin And The Nipper
Dublin was, as ever, epic!
It’s taken me a couple of days to get my shit back together.
Thank you to all the cousins for making everything just so fecking brilliant.
It’s taken me a couple of days to get my shit back together.
Thank you to all the cousins for making everything just so fecking brilliant.
Check out this photo..
This is Naoise (Nee-sha) and me. 
Those of you who know me well, know I DO NOT do children.
Ironically, I’m ‘Catnip’ to children this size for some reason.
In the same way that cats always go to the people who hate cats!
Not long after this photo was taken, she had me under the table inspecting the shoes of all those assembled.
Those of you who know me well, know I DO NOT do children.
Ironically, I’m ‘Catnip’ to children this size for some reason.
In the same way that cats always go to the people who hate cats!
Not long after this photo was taken, she had me under the table inspecting the shoes of all those assembled.
She's a little Cracker. One of those kids who has got a bit of spirit but isn't badly behaved.
(Schnee's Grandkids are the same)
A credit to her parents and she made my trip.
Thankfully, of all the things she heard me say that day, the only one that stuck with her was, “Come on big boy!”
Phew!
Phew!
Friday, April 10, 2009
A Bit Of Passion
The Celebration of The Lord’s Passion quickly descended in to farce when the microphone, that’s been on the blink for over a year, finally died.
Only half the congregation had all the words to what was happening in their booklets.
One of the three people reading the Gospel kept forgetting her bit.
Kids were running wild.
Father P, started to lose it and his head got very red.
By the time he had run round the outside of the Church with a Cross, in the pissing rain, to process down the aisle, I couldn’t tell his head from his dress.
Due to the many different cultural Catholic traditions no one was sat down, stood up or kneeling at the same time.
It was brilliantly chaotic.
I gave giving the Cross a kiss a huge body swerve, way to many sinners ahead of me with obvious skin conditions.
There was an entire family group with ‘something’ around their mouths.
Not for me thanks.
Then came ‘The Old Rugged Cross’.
WTF!?
To me, that’s a pissed up pub song NOT something you actually sing in Church.
Having never in my life sung this song ‘properly’, I let them have it out and proud, in the style of a Cockney Pearly King!
It went down well with the kids around me, but not so much with everyone else.
I was wrecked and I’m impervious to outraged Catholic stares.
Just a general observation; any man who wears a ring on his forefinger deserves a good kicking.
Seriously.
It may seem extreme but it really fucking bothers me!
Dublin, brace yourself. I arrive tomorrow night.
I will be bashing the granny out of you until Tuesday.
I’ll be bringing my own cigarettes and wine.
Fuck your prices!
Only half the congregation had all the words to what was happening in their booklets.
One of the three people reading the Gospel kept forgetting her bit.
Kids were running wild.
Father P, started to lose it and his head got very red.
By the time he had run round the outside of the Church with a Cross, in the pissing rain, to process down the aisle, I couldn’t tell his head from his dress.
Due to the many different cultural Catholic traditions no one was sat down, stood up or kneeling at the same time.
It was brilliantly chaotic.
I gave giving the Cross a kiss a huge body swerve, way to many sinners ahead of me with obvious skin conditions.
There was an entire family group with ‘something’ around their mouths.
Not for me thanks.
Then came ‘The Old Rugged Cross’.
WTF!?
To me, that’s a pissed up pub song NOT something you actually sing in Church.
Having never in my life sung this song ‘properly’, I let them have it out and proud, in the style of a Cockney Pearly King!
It went down well with the kids around me, but not so much with everyone else.
I was wrecked and I’m impervious to outraged Catholic stares.
Just a general observation; any man who wears a ring on his forefinger deserves a good kicking.
Seriously.
It may seem extreme but it really fucking bothers me!
Dublin, brace yourself. I arrive tomorrow night.
I will be bashing the granny out of you until Tuesday.
I’ll be bringing my own cigarettes and wine.
Fuck your prices!
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Station!
My day in one photo. Your Turn!As Passover started this evening I went and did The Stations of The Cross this afternoon, stoned out of my tiny mind!
The lady who ALWAYS asks if I’m new to the Parish asked me if, I was new to the Parish.
‘No. I’ve had a haircut.’ I replied.
This seem to satisfy and confuse her all in one go, as she tried to imagine me with longer hair and still not know who I was.
You have to wonder how wise it is to have someone with obvious dementia in charge of welcoming newcomers.
The Nun leading it had English as a second language; there was a war going on between those who prefer Thy and Thou and those sticking to You and Your, and an Indian family whose children had all had some kind of Tartrazine infusion before they came.
To much horror and my utter amusement, one of the boys managed to strip a statue of its purple sheet and clothe himself in it.
Cracking!
It's not until I see Annie, I remember how fecking gorgeous she was and still is!
NO! Fuck off! Stop ‘helping’ us!
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
The Call
The ‘phone call with Dad..
Me… Hi Joon, is he there?
Dad.. ‘ello Lover!
Me… What’s it going to be then? Great Grandpapa or something totally new?!
Dad.. Fuck right off! She ‘phoned me yesterday. Two fuckin’ hours.
Seven months? Nothing! Fuck all! Two hours!.. Yer Mother went fuckin’ apeshit apparently, told her to get it in a bucket!
Me… Hahaha! I bet she did, her Mother told her to get me in a bucket if you remember! What do you think?
Dad.. Got fuck all to do with me has it love? I am glad it’s not Loz though, am I a cunt for saying that? Fuck it! I don’t care. I’m going to say something else ‘orrible as well; she not that far along and sometimes they don’t take. Wouldn’t be a disaster if she lost it.”
It kind of IS and kind of ISN’T the reaction I was expecting from The Angry One!
I like the wording of this!
“…the perfidious belief that any baby needs to be cleansed by baptism…”
Me… Hi Joon, is he there?
Dad.. ‘ello Lover!
Me… What’s it going to be then? Great Grandpapa or something totally new?!
Dad.. Fuck right off! She ‘phoned me yesterday. Two fuckin’ hours.
Seven months? Nothing! Fuck all! Two hours!.. Yer Mother went fuckin’ apeshit apparently, told her to get it in a bucket!
Me… Hahaha! I bet she did, her Mother told her to get me in a bucket if you remember! What do you think?
Dad.. Got fuck all to do with me has it love? I am glad it’s not Loz though, am I a cunt for saying that? Fuck it! I don’t care. I’m going to say something else ‘orrible as well; she not that far along and sometimes they don’t take. Wouldn’t be a disaster if she lost it.”
It kind of IS and kind of ISN’T the reaction I was expecting from The Angry One!
I like the wording of this!
“…the perfidious belief that any baby needs to be cleansed by baptism…”
Monday, April 06, 2009
Chav McPikey
Today I had a lovely lunch with Mrs Crisp-e.
Himself is somewhere in Austria on a school ski trip.
A trip he has arranged and is in charge of.
Nutter.
From text exchanges earlier in the week, I don’t think the Anschluss was this well planned!
Well people, it’s official, I’m from Pikey/Knacker stock.
News is trickling into Sleepy Mansions that my sister’s youngest is pregnant at fifteen.
My brother could be a 21 year old Great Uncle!
It doesn’t get more Gypo or Chav than that now does it?
I have laughed my arse off at the idea of ATM as a 57yr oldGreat Grandmother and my sister as a 38yr old Grandmother!
It’s repeated on me all day
Thank fuck I don’t have anything to do with these people.
I'm 'phoning my Dad tomorrow to see what the reaction is from Great Grandpapa at Vexation Villas.
Catch the wind the right way and you might just hear him yourselves!
Himself is somewhere in Austria on a school ski trip.
A trip he has arranged and is in charge of.
Nutter.
From text exchanges earlier in the week, I don’t think the Anschluss was this well planned!
Well people, it’s official, I’m from Pikey/Knacker stock.
News is trickling into Sleepy Mansions that my sister’s youngest is pregnant at fifteen.
My brother could be a 21 year old Great Uncle!
It doesn’t get more Gypo or Chav than that now does it?
I have laughed my arse off at the idea of ATM as a 57yr oldGreat Grandmother and my sister as a 38yr old Grandmother!
It’s repeated on me all day
Thank fuck I don’t have anything to do with these people.
I'm 'phoning my Dad tomorrow to see what the reaction is from Great Grandpapa at Vexation Villas.
Catch the wind the right way and you might just hear him yourselves!
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Palm Sunday
The longest Mass of the year today and, Christ, it was interminable.
It started off in the garden area with Palm leaves.
I hate that.
I didn’t want a Palm leaf, I find them very distracting, but nobody would believe me.
One old dear got quite aggressive about it and told me I HAD to have one.
I told her I had hayfever and she fucked off, grumbling, and with a fair amount of suspicion in her eye.
Remembering the water throwing from last year, I stood well back.
I swear to G-d he took a run up and with an over arm bowling move flicked that big old pastry brush right at me.
Flinging myself back against the wall I totally ‘Matrixed’ it.
We are engaged in an unspoken war over the magic water but he hasn’t got me yet.
I’m considering carrying Alka Seltzer tablets in case he does get lucky one day.
Can you imagine the look on his face when I come up foaming?!
Eventually we processed back to the Church singing, ‘One Hymn To The Tune Of Another’, while everyone checked they had locked their cars.
Much lock clicking and light flashing.
That’s when the fun and games started.
It triggered something in the Altar huggers.
People turn up obscenely early so they get ‘their spot’ at the front.
These people were also the first out to the garden, so on the return they were at the back.
I felt the ripple of panic lurch forward as they realised ‘their spot’ was in jeopardy.
The blind lady and her dog picked up on it as well, so I got the other side of the hound and we formed a rolling block.
I think that’s when the pushing started!
We could hear the “Heys!”, “Watch It’s” and “Easy’s” sweeping forward but stopping short behind us.
It seems even the ‘faithful’ draw the line at pushing a blind woman, her dog and a surly queer with no palm leaf.
Is this the most Pro Porn photo in the world?
That’s the face you think of when you want to slow things down, as it were.
The woman is visual Bromide.
Imagine the words, ‘I’m horny’, coming from that mouth!
Jaysus!
I’ll be sticking with the six times table, that image flashing in to my mind could ruin me from the waist down.
I think this is something I’d like to see in the Premiership!
It started off in the garden area with Palm leaves.
I hate that.
I didn’t want a Palm leaf, I find them very distracting, but nobody would believe me.
One old dear got quite aggressive about it and told me I HAD to have one.
I told her I had hayfever and she fucked off, grumbling, and with a fair amount of suspicion in her eye.
Remembering the water throwing from last year, I stood well back.
I swear to G-d he took a run up and with an over arm bowling move flicked that big old pastry brush right at me.
Flinging myself back against the wall I totally ‘Matrixed’ it.
We are engaged in an unspoken war over the magic water but he hasn’t got me yet.
I’m considering carrying Alka Seltzer tablets in case he does get lucky one day.
Can you imagine the look on his face when I come up foaming?!
Eventually we processed back to the Church singing, ‘One Hymn To The Tune Of Another’, while everyone checked they had locked their cars.
Much lock clicking and light flashing.
That’s when the fun and games started.
It triggered something in the Altar huggers.
People turn up obscenely early so they get ‘their spot’ at the front.
These people were also the first out to the garden, so on the return they were at the back.
I felt the ripple of panic lurch forward as they realised ‘their spot’ was in jeopardy.
The blind lady and her dog picked up on it as well, so I got the other side of the hound and we formed a rolling block.
I think that’s when the pushing started!
We could hear the “Heys!”, “Watch It’s” and “Easy’s” sweeping forward but stopping short behind us.
It seems even the ‘faithful’ draw the line at pushing a blind woman, her dog and a surly queer with no palm leaf.
Is this the most Pro Porn photo in the world?
That’s the face you think of when you want to slow things down, as it were.
The woman is visual Bromide.
Imagine the words, ‘I’m horny’, coming from that mouth!
Jaysus!
I’ll be sticking with the six times table, that image flashing in to my mind could ruin me from the waist down.
I think this is something I’d like to see in the Premiership!
Saturday, April 04, 2009
National Too
Of my National Nags, one came 2nd, one 11th, one pulled up and one fell over.
Not bad. I had four Fallers one year.
I did feel for the photographer trying to capture all the riders.
Who does he put at the back? The tall ones?
For some reason this bloke worries me.
He is known to be highly ambitious, leaked letters from senior UK Bishops reveal they feel him to be ‘Divisive’ and were ‘Uncomfortable with someone who is so clearly ambitious’.
Watch as he comes out as a Conservative, watch what gets cut as the Church has to tighten its belt, watch as we take a step closer to me being banned from Mass and with that, we step closer to me punching a priest in Church.
I have to admit I’m ever so slightly looking forward to that.
It’s an old hurt but it’s deep!
Shearer managing Newcastle?
In 8 games time there will be Geordies weeping like they’ve just found out there’s no Santa all over again.
Not bad. I had four Fallers one year.
I did feel for the photographer trying to capture all the riders.
Who does he put at the back? The tall ones?
For some reason this bloke worries me.
He is known to be highly ambitious, leaked letters from senior UK Bishops reveal they feel him to be ‘Divisive’ and were ‘Uncomfortable with someone who is so clearly ambitious’.
Watch as he comes out as a Conservative, watch what gets cut as the Church has to tighten its belt, watch as we take a step closer to me being banned from Mass and with that, we step closer to me punching a priest in Church.
I have to admit I’m ever so slightly looking forward to that.
It’s an old hurt but it’s deep!
Shearer managing Newcastle?
In 8 games time there will be Geordies weeping like they’ve just found out there’s no Santa all over again.
National Nags
These are my choices for The Grand National.
Irish Invader... Obviously!
Rambling Minster... Owned by a lady Vicar. The Mansions has had a lady Vicar in it this week. A sign?
Comply Or Die... Double?
Also liking Can't Buy Time.
Irish Invader... Obviously!
Rambling Minster... Owned by a lady Vicar. The Mansions has had a lady Vicar in it this week. A sign?
Comply Or Die... Double?
Also liking Can't Buy Time.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Somerfield, Schmidt And Songs
Some cheeky bitch in Somerfield threatened her kid with ME today.
A total stranger.
“Josh, Stop it or the lady will get angry!” pointing at me.
I looked at her and then at him and said,
“No I won’t mate. Go for your life!”
When I left she was still stuck in the aisle with the sweeties and Josh was screaming his, ‘needs a slap’, head off.
Fuck that!
If by some mad mix of DNA I’d had the misfortune to be born straight, I’d STILL be fecking childless.
I don’t like children; I consider them in the same way I do terrorists.
Immune to reason, illogical and could blow any minute.
A dirty bomb of Lego, snot, and in some cases, shit.
I’m an Aunt to 13, I’ve seen it happen.
Why would any sane person want to fill their home with that kind of madness?
That’s before they hit the minefield of the ‘teens’.
Not even the UN or Diana’s charities would go near that.
Horrific.
What goes on with Boston Legal?
Shirley Schmidt Shopping?
WTF!
While being deliciously alliterative, it’s just plain wrong.
I find it easier to picture HRH on the crapper!
Tonight’s episode, the Thanksgiving one?
That is a normal dinner party here at The Mansions!
Except no one vomited.
There is always at least one ‘hurler’ here.
Anyway, John the ipod and I have lurched between this and this.
A total stranger.
“Josh, Stop it or the lady will get angry!” pointing at me.
I looked at her and then at him and said,
“No I won’t mate. Go for your life!”
When I left she was still stuck in the aisle with the sweeties and Josh was screaming his, ‘needs a slap’, head off.
Fuck that!
If by some mad mix of DNA I’d had the misfortune to be born straight, I’d STILL be fecking childless.
I don’t like children; I consider them in the same way I do terrorists.
Immune to reason, illogical and could blow any minute.
A dirty bomb of Lego, snot, and in some cases, shit.
I’m an Aunt to 13, I’ve seen it happen.
Why would any sane person want to fill their home with that kind of madness?
That’s before they hit the minefield of the ‘teens’.
Not even the UN or Diana’s charities would go near that.
Horrific.
What goes on with Boston Legal?
Shirley Schmidt Shopping?
WTF!
While being deliciously alliterative, it’s just plain wrong.
I find it easier to picture HRH on the crapper!
Tonight’s episode, the Thanksgiving one?
That is a normal dinner party here at The Mansions!
Except no one vomited.
There is always at least one ‘hurler’ here.
Anyway, John the ipod and I have lurched between this and this.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Touched
We’ve been seeing a lot of Mrs Obama in the news and she, in return, has been touching our Queen.
Am I the only one who thinks there is something just a little amiss with her face?
Something slightly asymmetrical?
Like the opposite halves of two different heads.
As though one side is Dionne Warwick and other Diana Ross.
If not, those robbing bastard opticians are right and it’s time to have my eyes retested.
I always end up cancelling because I forget I have the appointment and have a smoke.
Fortunately my eyes never get bloodshot but it really freaks them out when my pupils react oddly.
Then I get the giggles and things rapidly descend in to farce.
I forgot to mention this earlier but we’ve had the best line so far in Shameless.
On the prospect of Mickey going to prison Mimi comes out with the blinder that he’d be,
“…passed from man to man like dysentery in a death camp..”
Superb!
I made my throat sore roaring at that one.
Rediscovered this tune today.
Holy shit! I know I shouldn’t laugh, but…
Am I the only one who thinks there is something just a little amiss with her face?
Something slightly asymmetrical?
Like the opposite halves of two different heads.
As though one side is Dionne Warwick and other Diana Ross.
If not, those robbing bastard opticians are right and it’s time to have my eyes retested.
I always end up cancelling because I forget I have the appointment and have a smoke.
Fortunately my eyes never get bloodshot but it really freaks them out when my pupils react oddly.
Then I get the giggles and things rapidly descend in to farce.
I forgot to mention this earlier but we’ve had the best line so far in Shameless.
On the prospect of Mickey going to prison Mimi comes out with the blinder that he’d be,
“…passed from man to man like dysentery in a death camp..”
Superb!
I made my throat sore roaring at that one.
Rediscovered this tune today.
Holy shit! I know I shouldn’t laugh, but…
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Spring Has Sprung
My hormones are informing me that it’s definitely Spring.
I walked past the end of my road while following an arse home today!
It was an absolutely perfectly formed ‘slappable’ arse as opposed to the rarer, ‘biteable’ arse.
Another sunny day had also brought out the Lesser and Greater Freckled Tits from their winter hibernation.
Vest tops being this Spring’s plumage.
Tesco was very distracting, with all the bending down and cold cabinets.
Parts of sentences like, ‘Smuggling peanuts’ and ‘Volvo wheel nuts’ were bounced around my head.
See what I mean?
The sap is rising and I’m at a dangerous age!
Something Pope related I approve of!
Today this was my, ‘Ha Ha Ha! Fucking Yeah!’ moment.
Check out the feet half way through.
As The Big little brother would say,
'Savage'.
I walked past the end of my road while following an arse home today!
It was an absolutely perfectly formed ‘slappable’ arse as opposed to the rarer, ‘biteable’ arse.
Another sunny day had also brought out the Lesser and Greater Freckled Tits from their winter hibernation.
Vest tops being this Spring’s plumage.
Tesco was very distracting, with all the bending down and cold cabinets.
Parts of sentences like, ‘Smuggling peanuts’ and ‘Volvo wheel nuts’ were bounced around my head.
See what I mean?
The sap is rising and I’m at a dangerous age!
Something Pope related I approve of!
Today this was my, ‘Ha Ha Ha! Fucking Yeah!’ moment.
Check out the feet half way through.
As The Big little brother would say,
'Savage'.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Stuff I Know Today
1..
If a TV show advertises itself as a cross between something and something else, it will be shite.
2.. Google has robbed me of the ability to read a fucking road map.
3.. With hindsight it's probably best not to deliver visiting members of the clergy to Oxford, so they spill out of the car like Cheech and Chong have just given them a ride.
AND I tried not to smoke in the car.
4.. Anglicans are surprized when you refer to them as Protestants.
Who knew?
!
5.. When I look at this picture I see myself, sister and my cousins sat along that wall.
Bottle of coke and a bag of crisps each while our Grandparents and Parents got pissed inside.
Nobody tried to lure us away with promises of sweeties or puppies and nobody who worked outside Psychiatry knew the word Paedophile.
Weirdly, that is a really comforting memory.
Today we would all be taken in to care!
If a TV show advertises itself as a cross between something and something else, it will be shite.2.. Google has robbed me of the ability to read a fucking road map.
3.. With hindsight it's probably best not to deliver visiting members of the clergy to Oxford, so they spill out of the car like Cheech and Chong have just given them a ride.
AND I tried not to smoke in the car.
4.. Anglicans are surprized when you refer to them as Protestants.
Who knew?
!5.. When I look at this picture I see myself, sister and my cousins sat along that wall.
Bottle of coke and a bag of crisps each while our Grandparents and Parents got pissed inside.
Nobody tried to lure us away with promises of sweeties or puppies and nobody who worked outside Psychiatry knew the word Paedophile.
Weirdly, that is a really comforting memory.
Today we would all be taken in to care!
Monday, March 30, 2009
A Day On The Coast
Sometimes one of the best things about having visitors from out of town, is that by showing them around I get to fall in love with my city all over again.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Tunes For Friday
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tales From Eire
Unlike Amsterdam, Ireland was not as I had left it.
It is becoming ethnically diverse!
Sure, you’d see all sorts in Dublin and Galway but never in the Wilds of Tipperary, Sligo or Mayo.
It’s really cool!
Give it a couple of generations and there will be Irish people who can get a tan!
The Nutty Daddy is ‘solid gone’!
In to the realms of Father Jack in terms of his vocabulary.
“No!” “Feck Off” “Piss Off” and “Fuck Off”!
All appear frequently.
I’ve had my hair interfered with and told, “Ah, yer hair’s a nice size today”.
I think he was trying to say he liked my haircut.
He also patted me on the back, beamed a huge smile and said,
“You’re ok. You’re nothing!”
I dread to think what that was about!
But I was completely won over when he blew his nose on the tablecloth and tried to hide the food he didn’t want under the edge of the plate.
Poor old fucker.
I went for a couple of early morning walks in the woods near Cashel with one of the Uncles and Molly the Mad Springer Spaniel.
He told me stories about the Polish poachers netting trout and reacting violently to objections; the mental farmers who owned guns and were ever so slightly pro IRA and the piss poor shots that made up the local gun club.
On the second walk he stopped and said,
“Right. Take the dog and go down there 200 metres. Turn right and go another hundred. Turn left and walk to you reach the road, turn right and I’ll meet you at the gate.”
He turned and fucked off.
The dog and I looked at him in utter confusion.
He hadn’t just abandoned me in the middle of a deserted forest in Tipperary at 8am had he?
Yes he fucking had.
With a soppy Springer and a fucking English accent for protection.
Fucking cheers!
I was at that bastard gate before he was.
An elderly, well dressed man at Knock Airport was muttering that the security check was a pain in the hole and did he ‘look fecking Muslim’.
I started chuckling and turned to look at him.
He looked like my Grandfather; so much so my stomach did that lurch thing and my breath caught in my throat.
My heart was racing for a little while after.
Weird thing was we kept catching each other’s eye and I’m sure he ‘recognised’ me.
We even nodded to each other as he went for his flight.
It was the strangest feeling.
It is becoming ethnically diverse!
Sure, you’d see all sorts in Dublin and Galway but never in the Wilds of Tipperary, Sligo or Mayo.
It’s really cool!
Give it a couple of generations and there will be Irish people who can get a tan!
The Nutty Daddy is ‘solid gone’!
In to the realms of Father Jack in terms of his vocabulary.
“No!” “Feck Off” “Piss Off” and “Fuck Off”!
All appear frequently.
I’ve had my hair interfered with and told, “Ah, yer hair’s a nice size today”.
I think he was trying to say he liked my haircut.
He also patted me on the back, beamed a huge smile and said,
“You’re ok. You’re nothing!”
I dread to think what that was about!
But I was completely won over when he blew his nose on the tablecloth and tried to hide the food he didn’t want under the edge of the plate.
Poor old fucker.
I went for a couple of early morning walks in the woods near Cashel with one of the Uncles and Molly the Mad Springer Spaniel.
He told me stories about the Polish poachers netting trout and reacting violently to objections; the mental farmers who owned guns and were ever so slightly pro IRA and the piss poor shots that made up the local gun club.
On the second walk he stopped and said,
“Right. Take the dog and go down there 200 metres. Turn right and go another hundred. Turn left and walk to you reach the road, turn right and I’ll meet you at the gate.”
He turned and fucked off.
The dog and I looked at him in utter confusion.
He hadn’t just abandoned me in the middle of a deserted forest in Tipperary at 8am had he?
Yes he fucking had.
With a soppy Springer and a fucking English accent for protection.
Fucking cheers!
I was at that bastard gate before he was.
An elderly, well dressed man at Knock Airport was muttering that the security check was a pain in the hole and did he ‘look fecking Muslim’.
I started chuckling and turned to look at him.
He looked like my Grandfather; so much so my stomach did that lurch thing and my breath caught in my throat.
My heart was racing for a little while after.
Weird thing was we kept catching each other’s eye and I’m sure he ‘recognised’ me.
We even nodded to each other as he went for his flight.
It was the strangest feeling.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Obligations
Happy St Patrick’s Day!
Check this out.
Check this out.
I trundled along to Mass; it is a Holy day of Obligation after all.
It’s a crappy photo because I had to use my phone and I WAS in church!
Cracking isn’t it? She has a green feathery ‘fascinator’ on.
Not a Halo as the picture would suggest.
She also had some dead grass hanging off her jacket but that must be optional.
Tomorrow I head off to Ireland for a few days.
I hate packing for flying; there is so much crap to remember. That see through bag thing for toiletries.
Remembering to pack sensibly, Laptop, camera stuff and all that shit on top.
Ucking it all out of the bottom because they think I’m some sort of loon who will hijack the plane and crash it into Our Lady’s Shrine at Knock, is a pain in the hole.
I’d go for flying the fucker straight into the Vatican but I think the bastard is in Africa or somewhere.
Catch you later, unless unless I manage to ponce some wi-fi while away in the 'Wesht'.
The Irish Babes
The Boy Blue!Just a quick message to the vet in Ballina who sold him for vivisection, 'I'm coming for you, you cunt.'
I hope to Christ he has thatch on his house.
Two birds, one stone and all that.
My gorgeous girl on her dodgey pins.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Going Native
Off to Wiltshire for a few days in the country with the hounds.
I’ll leave you with this.
I found it while having a trawl through youtube to see what we can still get.
The answer being, fuck all.
It’s a real blast from the past for me.
Memories of an amazing summer and a girl called J who could literally tie things in knots with her tongue.
Happy days!
I'm travelling by car this time so the passengers of First Great Western are safe.
Until the return.
I’ll leave you with this.
I found it while having a trawl through youtube to see what we can still get.
The answer being, fuck all.
It’s a real blast from the past for me.
Memories of an amazing summer and a girl called J who could literally tie things in knots with her tongue.
Happy days!
I'm travelling by car this time so the passengers of First Great Western are safe.
Until the return.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Thursday 12th March
Today, Sleepy Mansions was updated with a ‘V+ Box’.
Stop yourselves.
One of those things that means I can press buttons and record shit, pause shit and generally fuck about with the shit that’s on TV.
We’ve also got faster broadband.
How to get all this?
Phone Virgin, tell them you’ve had enough of their bollocks service and want to leave, ignore everything they say and agree to pay any charges.
This person will, in all likelihood, be a ‘Wanker’.
My conversation went like this;
Wanker.. (sneeringly) Well. Do you watch football on Setanta Sports?
Me.. Yes. Yes I do.
Wanker.. (Ha Ha) You won’t have that anymore then!
Me.. Neither will they for much longer.
Wanker.. What?
Me.. I read this morning Setanta owe the FA £80 million for the rights and will be lucky to be showing football at all.
Wanker.. (sneeringly) Ms Sleepy, do you believe EVERYTHING you read. Ha ha ha!
Me.. No. Not generally.
Wanker.. Where did you read that?
Me.. Your website.
Wanker.. (Long, long, long silence)
Me.. So… Shall we get on with cutting me off?
We did and an appointment was made for a couple of week’s time.
Within 24 hours somebody will phone you and offer all manner of inducements to get you to stay.
Hence the V Box, quicker Broadband and some other stuff I’ve forgotten now.
It’s good to bitch!
Sitemeter informs me someone from The Pentagon (Military) popped by and watched both of Frankie Boyle’s you tube clips!
Cool!
Stop yourselves.
One of those things that means I can press buttons and record shit, pause shit and generally fuck about with the shit that’s on TV.
We’ve also got faster broadband.
How to get all this?
Phone Virgin, tell them you’ve had enough of their bollocks service and want to leave, ignore everything they say and agree to pay any charges.
This person will, in all likelihood, be a ‘Wanker’.
My conversation went like this;
Wanker.. (sneeringly) Well. Do you watch football on Setanta Sports?
Me.. Yes. Yes I do.
Wanker.. (Ha Ha) You won’t have that anymore then!
Me.. Neither will they for much longer.
Wanker.. What?
Me.. I read this morning Setanta owe the FA £80 million for the rights and will be lucky to be showing football at all.
Wanker.. (sneeringly) Ms Sleepy, do you believe EVERYTHING you read. Ha ha ha!
Me.. No. Not generally.
Wanker.. Where did you read that?
Me.. Your website.
Wanker.. (Long, long, long silence)
Me.. So… Shall we get on with cutting me off?
We did and an appointment was made for a couple of week’s time.
Within 24 hours somebody will phone you and offer all manner of inducements to get you to stay.
Hence the V Box, quicker Broadband and some other stuff I’ve forgotten now.
It’s good to bitch!
Sitemeter informs me someone from The Pentagon (Military) popped by and watched both of Frankie Boyle’s you tube clips!
Cool!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
All In My Head
I have a confession to make.Late last night I got a terrible bout of the munchies combined with extreme ‘Couch Lock’.
The only edible thing within reach was a packet of Lockets.
Original flavour.
I ate them. All of them.
I’m disgusted with myself and I resolve never to do it again.
While an absolute lifesaver when drowning in snot, they are potential killer when mucous free.
My pipes were so clear every breath was painful, 30 below zero painful.
Most definitely not worth it for the miniscule amount of honey offered.
Mea Culpa. Mea Maxima Culpa.
This morning I woke up with a hideous headache which has lasted pretty much all day.
Locket overdose?
I’m not one of those ‘headachy’ people so am never quite sure how to deal with it.
My fucked up knees mean I get given some shit kicking painkillers; morphine based ones; so my tolerance for analgesics is frightening.
I don’t know what to take for a headache.
Aspirin and Paracetamol haven’t worked on me since early childhood.
(ATM had a serious Codeine habit while pregnant with me. Set me up for life!)
As an extra pisser I had an appointment for a haircut.
Squinting because of the bright light and then squinting because I had to take my glasses off gave the overall impression of, ‘someone on the edge’.
He flew through the cut with the minimum of interaction with me.
Just how I like it.
This afternoon I planted the experimental seeds for this year.
Gourds and Aubergines.
Although I will not be calling them Aubergines anymore.
Not sure of the language but I love the word.
Halflange.
I love Lidl and its multi-lingual labelling, broadens my horizon so it does!
Gourds and Aubergines.
Although I will not be calling them Aubergines anymore.
Not sure of the language but I love the word.
Halflange.
I love Lidl and its multi-lingual labelling, broadens my horizon so it does!
Monday, March 09, 2009
Monday 9th Of March
The Catholic Church, aren’t they just fucking peachy?
As long as the paedophile rapist can still go and hear Mass said by another paedophile rapist, all’s right with the world.
Praise the Lord his immortal soul is fine because he didn’t ‘kill’ anyone; fucking a nine year old and possibly a handicapped 14 year old is fine.
Then again, the church has never really had a problem with that now have they?
I’m so angry I can barely type.
This morning I had something deep in my ear, itching.
Cotton buds and all ‘legitimate’ attempts to ease it failed so I got a hairgrip in there.
Within seconds I had the cause.
A fecking cat whisker. Not a normal hair but a whisker.
What are these creatures doing to me while I’m asleep?
Today Lidl’s offers presented me with Celeriac.
I’ve never cooked this ugly shit before, so at 49p and as big as my head, I thought I’d give it a go.
It tastes like a Celery Parsnip, if you like that sort of thing.
I made soup.
As long as the paedophile rapist can still go and hear Mass said by another paedophile rapist, all’s right with the world.
Praise the Lord his immortal soul is fine because he didn’t ‘kill’ anyone; fucking a nine year old and possibly a handicapped 14 year old is fine.
Then again, the church has never really had a problem with that now have they?
I’m so angry I can barely type.
This morning I had something deep in my ear, itching.
Cotton buds and all ‘legitimate’ attempts to ease it failed so I got a hairgrip in there.
Within seconds I had the cause.
A fecking cat whisker. Not a normal hair but a whisker.
What are these creatures doing to me while I’m asleep?
Today Lidl’s offers presented me with Celeriac.
I’ve never cooked this ugly shit before, so at 49p and as big as my head, I thought I’d give it a go.
It tastes like a Celery Parsnip, if you like that sort of thing.
I made soup.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Any Old Sunday
I was going to go to Mass but got caught up in the Archers and then the football.
I’ll go to one of the geriatric Masses during the week and stave off a vengeful G-d that way.
Also, as it’s Lent, I’ll try not to make Father P look worried while he’s saying it.
Unless he is a complete twat of course, then my normal service will resume and he can wear the pained looked until Easter.
Fingers crossed. It’s a violent area so, fingers crossed. That’s all I’m saying!
This was today’s random ipod offering.
No ‘Being Human’ this evening and I’ve felt quite bereft.
It’s like the last Sunday of the summer holidays, nothing to look forward to until Christmas.
I don’t know what goes on with Housemate Pat but I have discovered the more she speaks to me, the less I understand her.
There is also the chance I'm going deaf and that's why I spend most of the conversation saying pardon.
I've never found the Chinese accent an easy one to get on with.
Non chocolate Hobnobs are the nastiest biscuit on earth.
There is nothing whatsoever redeeming about them.
Then again, I have the munchies.
Yesterday I ate a packet of Jaffa Cakes, box of Cadbury’s chocolate fingers and half a pack of Bourbon Creams.
Basically all the chocolate in the house.
I’ll go to one of the geriatric Masses during the week and stave off a vengeful G-d that way.
Also, as it’s Lent, I’ll try not to make Father P look worried while he’s saying it.
Unless he is a complete twat of course, then my normal service will resume and he can wear the pained looked until Easter.
Fingers crossed. It’s a violent area so, fingers crossed. That’s all I’m saying!
This was today’s random ipod offering.
No ‘Being Human’ this evening and I’ve felt quite bereft.
It’s like the last Sunday of the summer holidays, nothing to look forward to until Christmas.
I don’t know what goes on with Housemate Pat but I have discovered the more she speaks to me, the less I understand her.
There is also the chance I'm going deaf and that's why I spend most of the conversation saying pardon.
I've never found the Chinese accent an easy one to get on with.
Non chocolate Hobnobs are the nastiest biscuit on earth.
There is nothing whatsoever redeeming about them.
Then again, I have the munchies.
Yesterday I ate a packet of Jaffa Cakes, box of Cadbury’s chocolate fingers and half a pack of Bourbon Creams.
Basically all the chocolate in the house.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
i-weirdness
Friday, March 06, 2009
The Dream
Weed at last! Weed at last! Thank G-d Almighty, there's weed at last!
Ahhhhhhhhh...
Carry on.
Ahhhhhhhhh...
Carry on.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Spawn
For the second time in as many weeks I have a frigging coldsore.
Hideous things. They make me feel so unclean.
I have ATM to thank for that lifelong gift to go along with the mental scars.
Bitch.
After the horror that was the Carling Cup Final, something I still cannot bring myself to talk about, my Beloved Spurs won tonight.
Middlesbrough were beaten like Rihanna!
Hideous things. They make me feel so unclean.
I have ATM to thank for that lifelong gift to go along with the mental scars.
Bitch.
After the horror that was the Carling Cup Final, something I still cannot bring myself to talk about, my Beloved Spurs won tonight.
Middlesbrough were beaten like Rihanna!
Robbie Keane, 'Ya Boy Ya!'
Up to 13th in the table.
Check it out! 
The frogs have got their groove on and have used the ‘bucket’ pond.
I’m so pleased with myself and them.
The frogs have got their groove on and have used the ‘bucket’ pond.
I’m so pleased with myself and them.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
The Return
As usual the Cardiff Central train was packed to overflowing but I managed to get a seat.
Schnee was correct in her assumption that G-d would use this opportunity to realign my Karma.
As you know I have the cover of an old Gideon bible that I wrap around my book and find it an effective way to keep people away from me.
UNLESS you get spotted by a religious nutter; then you are ‘Manna from heaven’.
He got into his spiel about how wonderful it was to find another believer, one who wasn’t afraid to publicly show it blah blah blah.
Having been trained so well by my Grandmother, I find it almost impossible to be rude to older people.
Almost. I’ll come to that later.
So I just smiled and nodded.
The Supreme Being hadn’t quite finished with me.
“What passage are you reading?”
Oh for fuck’s sake! Enough already!
Never before have I been grateful for having to memorize huge tracts of Deuteronomy.
Wiltshire was gorgeous.
Covered in Snow Drops, Daffodils and all the best signs of Spring.
The Hounds are great and Jessie had her 14th birthday on Sunday, which for a Greyhound is a grand old age.
She is showing it now. Her back legs are gone and she fell out of the car a couple of times.
She is still my ‘best girl’ though.
The Boy is as ever, The Boy!
I caught the evening train back from Salisbury, hoping that it would be relatively empty.
It wasn’t too bad.
The only seat was opposite and older lady reading The Telegraph.
I got myself settled and she started picking her nose.
I swear to Christ she was second knuckle deep up it.
Horrified, I looked at the man sitting next to me who tried to pretend he hadn’t seen anything.
Then the sniffing started.
It was so loud I could hear it over the ipod.
I increased the volume and could still hear her.
After ten minutes I couldn’t stand it anymore and got out a packet of tissues and offered her one.
She went mental.
Apparently, she had never been treated so rudely in all her life and how dare I.
So I gave her the full on Sleepy rudeness.
“Really? Never treated so fucking rudely? I haven’t sat in a carriage full of fucking strangers picking my fucking nose! I haven’t sat sniffing back snot like a fucking navvy!”
The look on her face was priceless, so I continued.
“Why don’t you take the tissue, fuck off to the toilet and see if you can mine any sense of fucking decorum out of there?”
She got up and informed me she was going to find a guard.
“See if HE has a fucking tissue!” I shouted after her.
The man next to me was in hysterics by now as were a few others.
Some people.
Schnee was correct in her assumption that G-d would use this opportunity to realign my Karma.
As you know I have the cover of an old Gideon bible that I wrap around my book and find it an effective way to keep people away from me.
UNLESS you get spotted by a religious nutter; then you are ‘Manna from heaven’.
He got into his spiel about how wonderful it was to find another believer, one who wasn’t afraid to publicly show it blah blah blah.
Having been trained so well by my Grandmother, I find it almost impossible to be rude to older people.
Almost. I’ll come to that later.
So I just smiled and nodded.
The Supreme Being hadn’t quite finished with me.
“What passage are you reading?”
Oh for fuck’s sake! Enough already!
Never before have I been grateful for having to memorize huge tracts of Deuteronomy.
Wiltshire was gorgeous.
Covered in Snow Drops, Daffodils and all the best signs of Spring.
The Hounds are great and Jessie had her 14th birthday on Sunday, which for a Greyhound is a grand old age.
She is showing it now. Her back legs are gone and she fell out of the car a couple of times.
She is still my ‘best girl’ though.
The Boy is as ever, The Boy!
I caught the evening train back from Salisbury, hoping that it would be relatively empty.
It wasn’t too bad.
The only seat was opposite and older lady reading The Telegraph.
I got myself settled and she started picking her nose.
I swear to Christ she was second knuckle deep up it.
Horrified, I looked at the man sitting next to me who tried to pretend he hadn’t seen anything.
Then the sniffing started.
It was so loud I could hear it over the ipod.
I increased the volume and could still hear her.
After ten minutes I couldn’t stand it anymore and got out a packet of tissues and offered her one.
She went mental.
Apparently, she had never been treated so rudely in all her life and how dare I.
So I gave her the full on Sleepy rudeness.
“Really? Never treated so fucking rudely? I haven’t sat in a carriage full of fucking strangers picking my fucking nose! I haven’t sat sniffing back snot like a fucking navvy!”
The look on her face was priceless, so I continued.
“Why don’t you take the tissue, fuck off to the toilet and see if you can mine any sense of fucking decorum out of there?”
She got up and informed me she was going to find a guard.
“See if HE has a fucking tissue!” I shouted after her.
The man next to me was in hysterics by now as were a few others.
Some people.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wiltshire
I'm off to Wiltshire for the weekend.
So I'll be missing from here for a couple of days.
A sacrifice I have to make to spend time with my beloved Hounds.
Ho Hum.
Those of you who do, please pray for my soul and sanity as I battle with the Cardiff Central train.
Have a great weekend!
So I'll be missing from here for a couple of days.
A sacrifice I have to make to spend time with my beloved Hounds.
Ho Hum.
Those of you who do, please pray for my soul and sanity as I battle with the Cardiff Central train.
Have a great weekend!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Rehab
When did Margaret Thatcher get rehabilitated?
So much so we now have fucking BBC programmes about her?
As Education Secretary she took my free milk from me.
After she broke the miners, teachers were the next bunch she came for.
She’s a fucking monster.
Just because she’s lost her faculties now, doesn't mean everything she did is suddenly brought under that ‘Oh she’s only nuts’ umbrella.
Stop it!
My man Frankie Boyle gets it!
‘For three million…..’
Inspired.
Is it just me who has the walnut sized ‘After Bladder’?
A bladder that kicks in after you’ve had a wee, thought yourself empty and is only activated by the taps when you try to wash your hands?
Those of you who have performed the ‘miracle’ of childbirth need not answer this question.
I’ve fallen for that one before and been sucked into a nightmare world of stories involving 14 day labour, pelvic floor exercises, Haemorrhoids and pissing when you sneeze.
From nappies and Tena lady.
It’s not such a great leap!
RIP Wendy Richard.
You were on TV only slightly longer than I’ve been alive, fair play to you.
Just to end, a bit of gratuitous Frankie!
So much so we now have fucking BBC programmes about her?
As Education Secretary she took my free milk from me.
After she broke the miners, teachers were the next bunch she came for.
She’s a fucking monster.
Just because she’s lost her faculties now, doesn't mean everything she did is suddenly brought under that ‘Oh she’s only nuts’ umbrella.
Stop it!
My man Frankie Boyle gets it!
‘For three million…..’
Inspired.
Is it just me who has the walnut sized ‘After Bladder’?
A bladder that kicks in after you’ve had a wee, thought yourself empty and is only activated by the taps when you try to wash your hands?
Those of you who have performed the ‘miracle’ of childbirth need not answer this question.
I’ve fallen for that one before and been sucked into a nightmare world of stories involving 14 day labour, pelvic floor exercises, Haemorrhoids and pissing when you sneeze.
From nappies and Tena lady.
It’s not such a great leap!
RIP Wendy Richard.
You were on TV only slightly longer than I’ve been alive, fair play to you.
Just to end, a bit of gratuitous Frankie!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
A Good Day
Away in the ‘Wesht’ of Ireland the Nutty Daddy has been home for a few days, re-medicated and slightly less of a handful for the Sainted Mammy.
There seems to be no reason for, or damage from the seizures but he frightened the shite out of all concerned.
I once worked in a care home for Alzheimer’s patients and know it can get very grim in the latter stages.
As wicked as it is to say, I sometimes wish one of the fits had carried him off.
The Karmic repercussions of that are going to be epic, I know.
I wonder if the Cameron’s ever had similar thoughts.
Just because this prick is British why do we have to have him back?
Isn’t The Vatican a Sovereign State? Why can’t he go there?
His Nazi-ness was the one who ‘rehabilitated’ the idiot, so he should fucking deal with him.
I was contemplating giving up ‘Pope Bashing’ for Lent but you’ve got to set yourself some sort of achievable goal!
Also, this is one of those times of year when he does come out with some utter bollocks and I’m not missing that.
I’m too ashamed to tell you how many hours of my day I have wasted looking for this particular version of this song.
To say I became a little obsessed would be beyond understatement.
I even contacted the Big little Brother and got the might of his employer on it!
It reminds me of Ex Bro in Law J and the laughs we used to have when he was still with my sister.
Nights getting totally wrecked and playing cards.
Good times that were a lifetime ago now.
This evenings Grand Designs totally and utterly appealed to me for the first time!
Love the whole idea of it.
Not the living in France bit though, a bit too overrun with the French for my liking I’m afraid.
Chatted with my re-discovered friend this evening.
The one found with the help of Facebook.
Amazingly, we just seemed to pick up where we left off!
Blinding! Can’t wait to get together!
There seems to be no reason for, or damage from the seizures but he frightened the shite out of all concerned.
I once worked in a care home for Alzheimer’s patients and know it can get very grim in the latter stages.
As wicked as it is to say, I sometimes wish one of the fits had carried him off.
The Karmic repercussions of that are going to be epic, I know.
I wonder if the Cameron’s ever had similar thoughts.
Just because this prick is British why do we have to have him back?
Isn’t The Vatican a Sovereign State? Why can’t he go there?
His Nazi-ness was the one who ‘rehabilitated’ the idiot, so he should fucking deal with him.
I was contemplating giving up ‘Pope Bashing’ for Lent but you’ve got to set yourself some sort of achievable goal!
Also, this is one of those times of year when he does come out with some utter bollocks and I’m not missing that.
I’m too ashamed to tell you how many hours of my day I have wasted looking for this particular version of this song.
To say I became a little obsessed would be beyond understatement.
I even contacted the Big little Brother and got the might of his employer on it!
It reminds me of Ex Bro in Law J and the laughs we used to have when he was still with my sister.
Nights getting totally wrecked and playing cards.
Good times that were a lifetime ago now.
This evenings Grand Designs totally and utterly appealed to me for the first time!
Love the whole idea of it.
Not the living in France bit though, a bit too overrun with the French for my liking I’m afraid.
Chatted with my re-discovered friend this evening.
The one found with the help of Facebook.
Amazingly, we just seemed to pick up where we left off!
Blinding! Can’t wait to get together!
Tuesday 24th February
Amazingly, not a single cold caller has rung today.
The only one was a scaremongering fucker from the insurance company with tales of denied direct debits.
Even that turned out to be a load of bollocks.
Started a load of Chilli, Basil and Tomato seeds today.
The weed situation is still fucking dire.
I'm almost tempted with the shitty, plastic filled solids that are about.
I've planted weed seeds instead.
Tonight's best Shameless line is again from Frank.
"Look at Geldof, shit songs but it got the kiddies fed."
Beautiful!
The only one was a scaremongering fucker from the insurance company with tales of denied direct debits.
Even that turned out to be a load of bollocks.
Started a load of Chilli, Basil and Tomato seeds today.
The weed situation is still fucking dire.
I'm almost tempted with the shitty, plastic filled solids that are about.
I've planted weed seeds instead.
Tonight's best Shameless line is again from Frank.
"Look at Geldof, shit songs but it got the kiddies fed."
Beautiful!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Extraordinary Annoyance
Other than the general annoyance of cold calling, what really fucks me off is when they ask for MR Sleepy, MR Tame Pharmacist or MR Housemate Claire.
If you are going to phone our home at least have the good manners to get the name correct.
I don’t know why it gets on my tits but it just does.
After the 3rd call asking for Mr Sleepy I went for it.
“Are you fucking people SO fucking retarded you can’t read a simple Mr, Mrs or Miss? Is English even your first fucking language…?”
I took a breath to continue with my rant and the bastard hung up on me!
Phoned ME and had the cheek to hang up on ME!
Am I the only one who thinks that ‘Extraordinary Rendition’ sounds like something a really good plasterer would do for you?
Is ‘Pikey Blonde’ a specific colour certain women put on their hair?
There was a lot of it about today.
Does this bloke qualify for the ‘..some kind of cunt’ award or what?
If you are going to phone our home at least have the good manners to get the name correct.
I don’t know why it gets on my tits but it just does.
After the 3rd call asking for Mr Sleepy I went for it.
“Are you fucking people SO fucking retarded you can’t read a simple Mr, Mrs or Miss? Is English even your first fucking language…?”
I took a breath to continue with my rant and the bastard hung up on me!
Phoned ME and had the cheek to hang up on ME!
Am I the only one who thinks that ‘Extraordinary Rendition’ sounds like something a really good plasterer would do for you?
Is ‘Pikey Blonde’ a specific colour certain women put on their hair?
There was a lot of it about today.
Does this bloke qualify for the ‘..some kind of cunt’ award or what?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Sunday 22nd February
Housemate Claire and I, having known each other since we were eight, were discussing shit from our childhood.
Something that has come out now but was never discussed at the time was how thick we perceived certain people to be.
How in some classes we were practically used as Teaching Assistants by the ‘Teachers’.
My first week of school was spent listening to classmates struggle through the ‘one word a page’ books while they tried to find something ‘harder’ for me.
I was four.
Then we laughed about the occasion I was arrested for breaking in to our local library!
I wasn’t alone but the others had gone in with the idea that fines money would be enough for some smokes.
I went in with one objective and one objective only.
The books the officious fucking woman wouldn’t let me take out.
The reference books.
I left with copies of encyclopaedias and a load of books on forensic medicine she wouldn’t even let me read while I was in there legitimately.
Fucking bitch!
This article is the reason for our discussions.
Sadly, we watch University Challenge for that very thing, the challenge.
We piss all over the other so called Quizzes.
I’d love to get a Pub Quiz side together and enter as “The University of Life”.
Sleepy Mansions loves Gail Trimble.
You’re alright by us mate.
Have you ever had the moment late at night when you are checking and locking the backdoor and you suddenly think,
“What if ‘they’ are already in?”
Shit myself right up with that one last night.
Being Human just gets better!
I'd love to say more but I know Schnee will get it on BBC Canada at some point and I really don't want to spoil it for her.
It's making Sunday feel less like a 'Homework' night and more like a "Denny Crane" night!
Something that has come out now but was never discussed at the time was how thick we perceived certain people to be.
How in some classes we were practically used as Teaching Assistants by the ‘Teachers’.
My first week of school was spent listening to classmates struggle through the ‘one word a page’ books while they tried to find something ‘harder’ for me.
I was four.
Then we laughed about the occasion I was arrested for breaking in to our local library!
I wasn’t alone but the others had gone in with the idea that fines money would be enough for some smokes.
I went in with one objective and one objective only.
The books the officious fucking woman wouldn’t let me take out.
The reference books.
I left with copies of encyclopaedias and a load of books on forensic medicine she wouldn’t even let me read while I was in there legitimately.
Fucking bitch!
This article is the reason for our discussions.
Sadly, we watch University Challenge for that very thing, the challenge.
We piss all over the other so called Quizzes.
I’d love to get a Pub Quiz side together and enter as “The University of Life”.
Sleepy Mansions loves Gail Trimble.
You’re alright by us mate.
Have you ever had the moment late at night when you are checking and locking the backdoor and you suddenly think,
“What if ‘they’ are already in?”
Shit myself right up with that one last night.
Being Human just gets better!
I'd love to say more but I know Schnee will get it on BBC Canada at some point and I really don't want to spoil it for her.
It's making Sunday feel less like a 'Homework' night and more like a "Denny Crane" night!